inboxes after online window shopping

 

What's on TV?

Launching in 2023: A new public access game show channel featuring fun games like:

• Spin The Wheel Johnson
• Who Wants To Be A Turtle?
• Guess How Many Centimeters This Product Is
• Let’s Make A Potato
• Jeff Or No Jeff
• Singer Singer Spinach Eater (where contestants eat a bowl of spinach then sing in front of a national audience)
• In The Woods The Longest
• So You Think Your Mom’s 
• Behind This Curtain
• Hospital Hoedown
• And more!

Tune in every Thursday at 2:30 a.m. Greenland time. It’s a winner!

📬

Do you want content like this showing up in your mailbox -- like U.S. Postal Service mailbox -- a few times a year? If so, then have I got the newsletter for you. 

From the authors of ambericaonline.com comes The Daily Dodger, a print newsletter that anyone can sign up for! Simply email thedailydodger [at] gmail.com with your physical mailing address, and then wait!

The Daily Dodger contains: 

• articles!
• pictures!
• puzzles!
• at least one sheet of paper front and back!

Sign up for yours today.

"Just Cabbage": An interview with Amber Hollingsworth

We're here today with Amber Hollingsworth, author of the new game-changing cookbook, Just Cabbage, which introduces readers to a world of recipes composed of just cabbage.

Amber, tell us, what inspired you to write this book?

A: Well, I was looking at a cabbage and thought, "This is food." I considered adding other ingredients to the recipes but why make things more difficult than they need to be? Just eat the cabbage.

Without giving away the whole book, how many different ways are there to eat a cabbage?

A: Gosh, almost endless. You can cut it up, you can bite into it like a big apple. Peel it. I mean those are just three ways off the top of my head right now.

Some might say your methods here are unorthodox. Flipping through this book, it's mostly just pictures of a cabbage, sometimes a rather amateur drawing of a cabbage, and a few lines of text saying things like "Go ahead and eat the cabbage." What do you say to your critics who claim this actually isn't a cookbook at all?

A: I would say I printed a bunch out and you can pick one up from my house if you email me ahead of time. How is that not a cookbook?

Thank you for joining us. 

Just Cabbage is now available in paper (not paperback -- it has no covers) by emailing amberhollingsworthjustcabbagecookbook@realcookbooks.biz.

iOS 14.2, an exhibit

The ambericaonline gallery welcomes iOS 14.2, a series by phone artist Amber Hollingsworth that explores the relationship between the temporary, the permanent, the self, and a wedge of cheese under a box. Showing now through whenever the internet goes away.

Touched by the Majesty of Nature

Olive Surprise

Can't Fool a Giraffe

Where Pita Bread Comes From

Visiting a Friend

Contact the artist for a price sheet. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised.

Really cool ending for a courtroom-style TV show

(Free to use, just put my name in the credits please.)

[20 minutes of regular court stuff happens, like detectives walking around a murder scene, an investigation in a little cement room where someone slaps the table, the prosecutor is a real asshole, the defense lawyer is flawed but her heart's in the right place, and we forgive her flaws because we saw some of the things she's dealt with over her lifetime in some previous episodes, etc.]

Just as the Judge is about to bang her gavel, a woman in a suit and heels runs in and whispers into the Defense Lawyer's ear.

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Your honor, I've just received some new information that will basically blow all of your socks off."

PROSECUTOR, looking super bitchy

"Objection!" 

JUDGE

"Ignored! I want to hear this new information. And it better be good -- I was just about to do my favorite part of my job." Points to gavel.

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Oh, it is. You saw how fast my assistant ran in here. She wasn't just asking what I want on my Jimmy Johns sub." 

Looks at jury, jury smiles and nods their heads, they are hungry too. Defense lawyer winks.

PROSECUTOR

"Your honor! I saw that."

JUDGE, real fast

"Losersayswhat?"

PROSECUTOR

"What?"

Jury laughs, Judge winks. Prosecutor is all pissed off now.

JUDGE

"I'm just kidding. I like to have a little fun in my court. Anyway, tell us this news!"

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Your honor, I just received word that my client couldn't possibly have committed the crime in question. You see, my client DIED three weeks ago! He is a ghost!"

Everyone gasps, one juror drops her Jimmy Johns sub.

PROSECUTOR

"This is outrageous! I can see the defendant right there!"

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Oh, CAN you?" Gestures to defendant, who starts to go see-through.

PROSECUTOR

"But..."

Quick flashback to different scenes in the show. We realize the defendant hasn't said a word in three weeks, but we just thought it was because he was sad.

Judge is about to bang her gavel again.

PROSECUTOR, furiously looking through her notes

"WAIT! You said he died three weeks ago. Well the murder happened three weeks and one day ago! Just because he's dead doesn't mean he didn't do the murder!"

Jurors raise their eyebrows like "good point." Defense lawyer is caught off guard, starts looking through her notes for a calendar, looks over at assistant who is standing by the door. Assistant shrugs.

JUDGE

"Dang it, you guys! It doesn't even matter! The law says you can't convict a ghost because they would just slide right through the prison bars!"

Everyone looks back at the defendant, who is now disappearing through the wall with a pretty guilty look on his face. Defense lawyer is like "omg did he do it??" to herself. But she's pretty sure he didn't -- maybe he was just feeling guilty about not telling anyone he died earlier. It's hard to read ghosts' expressions.

DEFENSE LAWYER, to Prosecutor

"I guess no one wins this case. Though, I win it a little bit more than you because my guy is free."

Prosecutor pushes folders off the table and storms out, more pissed than ever.

JUDGE, banging gavel (finally)

"I declare this trial SO WEIRD." Jury chuckles a little bit.

 

FINAL SCENE

The Defense Lawyer is at the local bar with her assistant and some other people from the office. The bartender hands her her drink, and she accidentally brushes his hand with hers when she reaches for it.

DEFENSE LAWYER 

"Whoa, your hand is so cold!"

She looks up at the bartender and he is the ghost from earlier. He winks at her.

THE END

 

i am but a vessel

last night, i was within 12 blocks of a taco bell and my stomach was already a mess, which can't be considered anything other than "a sign."

so i pulled into the drive-thru, got my meal, and parked in the relatively empty parking lot. i was a few bites in when a car weirdly pulled up behind mine, angled slightly to the left but with its headlights pointed toward my side mirror. the car stopped and... just sat there.

at first i thought they must be counting their fire sauce packets or checking to make sure the chips weren't fried in the same fryer as the cinnamon twists, giving them that unsettling yet intriguing sweet crunch. but they sat there long enough to do both and then some. again, this was a mostly empty lot -- i was parked in a spot, but the car was just behind me, waiting, running, with the headlights on.

it was then i realized i may die here, and while i wasn't ready to go, i had to admit, that would've been pretty classic amber. me, halfway through a beefy 5-layer supreme, mariah carey's greatest hits on high vol, googling "carrot parrot" to see if anyone had made a carrot look like a parrot yet (they have). i wouldn't have died doing what i love, but you could say i died doing exactly what i wanted. and that's a form of love.

eventually the car drove off and i lived to tell you about it (even after finishing the beefy 5-layer supreme). but in that moment, i learned something that i'll carry with me for the rest of my life:

ABR.

Always Be Ready.

/Add Beans + Rice.

we don't get to decide when we go, but we do get to live in a way that won't leave us filled with regret/will leave us filled with beans and rice. and i'm starting to think i was put within 12 blocks of a taco bell with pre-diarrhea last night for a reason -- to share this story, and this revelation, with you.

ABR.

-amber

to bee or not to bee: a question

do you ever forget to post to your blog for like years? that's ok. it doesn't mean anything bad about you, we've all just been busy. busy busy little bees. buzzing around to our flowers (cubicles) and collecting pollen (emails) to turn into honey (money). and as soon as we've got just enough honey to see us through the winter, some asshole in a big white suit and gloves comes and takes it from us. back to the flowers it is.

but this post isn't about bees, though i did do some fascinating research on buzzaboutbees.net/beeswax.html. did you know insert bees fact here? crazy, huh?

no, this post is about art, and why a person might do it sometimes but not others, and if that's ok or not. i mean, the world is dang hard, so just do what you can i say. but also what if you're SUPPOSED to make things for the world -- what if there's a REASON you're who you are right now right here? ::accidentally makes jerk-off gesture instead of gesturing toward entire world, realizes it about mid-way through first pump but it's too late, can't transition from that gesture to the world gesture -- that would look way worse, so completes jerk-off gesture and keeps talking like meant to all along::

and what if the reasons you give for not creating stuff are exactly the reasons the man in the big white suit wants you to give, because it works better for him if you just keep sending emails sending emails sending emails while he takes your money?

what if the ONLY way to live in the kind of world ::makes correct gesture this time, good job:: you want to live in is to MAKE stuff, not as a bee but as a human bee-ing. [god this presentation is going so well.]

look i don't really know for sure, but i think maybe that's true and that is why i am writing this blog post. and i'm gonna keep writing blog posts until i figure it out, and then i'll let ya know. so thank you and i love you, and i'll see you back here again soon.

how am i supposed to remember this?

in the market

Amber L. Hollingsworth

Humble woman who wishes to make woolen socks for the village

Dear companion,

I have heard of your need for an employee. I hope my desire to provide for the village and my strong, reliable forearms make me worthy of your review.

My family are good people – not proud – and you may often find them toiling alongside me til sunset.

While I have no official experience making woolen socks, I am patient, and I will learn.

Most importantly, I will raise my sheep with care.

The socks will not be good at first. But I ask you for this opportunity: Provide the sheep, and a sturdy table to work upon, and I shall produce socks of increasing quality until all the villagers are satisfied, their feet dry and protected.

This is my application. I vigilantly await your response.

Simply,
Amber L. Hollingsworth

What happens when you stop checking Facebook as often:

Facebook gets desperate.

Trad's Journey

We catch Trad at the end of the first day of his journey. He's pushing a 15' pie chart down a lonely country road. We don't know where he came from, or where he's going, but we do know one thing: This is important to him.

Day 2: Trad's on a roll. He woke up feeling refreshed, it's a beautiful day, and he can take advantage of the highway's long gradual declines. He passes a woman pushing a similar (identical?) pie chart the opposite way. She's struggling (she's on the incline), but Trad doesn't have time to stop. Not now. Things are really moving along now.

Day 3: Trad's gone a very long way — he's now in the desert. Pie charts are very hard to push through sand and... did it get bigger since yesterday? Trad's really starting to rethink his life choices — his goals and his priorities — while he pushes this pie chart across the desert. There's lots of time to think in the desert.

Day 3, continued: Oh, no. This is the worst possible thing that could happen right now. Trad's pie chart broke! He's not sure how to fix it, and there's no way to call for help. If he could just brainstorm with some colleagues like he does back in the office, maybe he could figure this out! At least here, the pie chart seems to have gotten smaller.

Day 3, continued: Whew, Trad used his problem-solving skills and got the pie chart back together. He's on his way! Unfortunately, the pie chart is big again.

Day 18: Well, it took a lot of time and effort, personal determination and follow-through, but Trad has arrived. He loves his new pie chart. He's sure his boss will agree: It was all worth it in the end.

(The chart is quite a bit smaller than he remembered, but that's OK. It's the journey that counts.)

Amber's Guide to the 7 Deadly Sins

Take a listen. I done broke it down for ya real quick to keep ya outta hell:

• Lust = Oglin
• Greed = Moneygrubbin
• Gluttony = Piggin out
• Pride = Gettin all hoity toity
• Wrath = Hootin an hollerin too much
• Envy = Lookin over at somebody else n bein like "gimme that"
• Sloth = Ain't doin shit

'Welcome.

is this the illuminati?

i'm not sure what the illuminati IS but i DID just notice all these famous directors' names RHYME WITH FOOD:

• Fresh Mandarin: Wes Anderson
• Shrimp Gerkin: Tim Burton
• Tortilla Coke (Cola): Sophia Coppola
• Dead Apples Though: Judd Apatow
• Lemon-Lime Lollipop: M. Night Shyamalan

if that's NOT the illuminati feel free to try to explain to me what it is.