Oct 24, 2020

to bee or not to bee: a question

do you ever forget to post to your blog for like years? that's ok. it doesn't mean anything bad about you, we've all just been busy. busy busy little bees. buzzing around to our flowers (cubicles) and collecting pollen (emails) to turn into honey (money). and as soon as we've got just enough honey to see us through the winter, some asshole in a big white suit and gloves comes and takes it from us. back to the flowers it is.

but this post isn't about bees, though i did do some fascinating research on buzzaboutbees.net/beeswax.html. did you know insert bees fact here? crazy, huh?

no, this post is about art, and why a person might do it sometimes but not others, and if that's ok or not. i mean, the world is dang hard, so just do what you can i say. but also what if you're SUPPOSED to make things for the world -- what if there's a REASON you're who you are right now right here? ::accidentally makes jerk-off gesture instead of gesturing toward entire world, realizes it about mid-way through first pump but it's too late, can't transition from that gesture to the world gesture -- that would look way worse, so completes jerk-off gesture and keeps talking like meant to all along::

and what if the reasons you give for not creating stuff are exactly the reasons the man in the big white suit wants you to give, because it works better for him if you just keep sending emails sending emails sending emails while he takes your money?

what if the ONLY way to live in the kind of world ::makes correct gesture this time, good job:: you want to live in is to MAKE stuff, not as a bee but as a human bee-ing. [god this presentation is going so well.]

look i don't really know for sure, but i think maybe that's true and that is why i am writing this blog post. and i'm gonna keep writing blog posts until i figure it out, and then i'll let ya know. so thank you and i love you, and i'll see you back here again soon.

how am i supposed to remember this?



Jan 5, 2020

Subscribe to The Daily Dodger for $1/month

UPDATE: Never mind.

As you've no doubt heard from your friends, family, preachers, and local pharmacists, Tony and I have begun publishing a monthly newsletter called The Daily Dodger. We report on hard-hitting topics like why didn't the neighbors invite us to their party, nestled amongst more leisurely features like drawing contests and cat advice columns (the advice is from cats, not about cats).

Now, for the first time in Dodger history, we are releasing digital versions of our newsletter archives as a teaser to get you to subscribe to future issues. View our first three issues here:

Or if you don't want to read a whole three-page newsletter, just take a look at this excerpt from the December issue (it is my favorite, written by Tony):


Want more where that came from? Oh I bet you do. We'd love to add you to our mailing list! But printing and shipping costs about $1 per copy, so we need a little financial support, as we are not (yet) moneybags (we hope to be moneybags soon).

HOW TO SUBSCRIBE

Simply email thedailydodger@gmail.com with your name and mailing address, and send us $12 for a one-year subscription (Venmo @Amber-Hollingsworth-2).

We will not be making future issues of The Daily Dodger available digitally, because we believe in mail and putting down your phone to hold paper in your hands for awhile. It's good for your eyesight and good for your soul. So support small-time publishers and your own soul and subscribe to The Daily Dodger today!

Dec 3, 2019

in the market

Amber L. Hollingsworth
Humble woman who wishes to make woolen socks for the village


Dear companion,

I have heard of your need for an employee. I hope my desire to provide for the village and my strong, reliable forearms make me worthy of your review.

My family are good people – not proud – and you may often find them toiling alongside me til sunset.

While I have no official experience making woolen socks, I am patient, and I will learn.

Most importantly, I will raise my sheep with care.

The socks will not be good at first. But I ask you for this opportunity: Provide the sheep, and a sturdy table to work upon, and I shall produce socks of increasing quality until all the villagers are satisfied, their feet dry and protected.

This is my application. I vigilantly await your response.

Simply,
Amber L. Hollingsworth

Aug 29, 2019

watch AMBER'S CORNER from the beginning!

a couple months ago i posted a quick video to instagram. little did i know it would turn into the worldwide phenomenon known as amber's corner. see where it all began, and the 18 videos since, and if you aren't following me on instagram for live updates i think you should do that: ambericaonline (it's a brand).

here you go:

Jun 12, 2018

Trad's Journey

We catch Trad at the end of the first day of his journey. He's pushing a 15' pie chart down a lonely country road. We don't know where he came from, or where he's going, but we do know one thing: This is important to him.


Day 2: Trad's on a roll. He woke up feeling refreshed, it's a beautiful day, and he can take advantage of the highway's long gradual declines. He passes a woman pushing a similar (identical?) pie chart the opposite way. She's struggling (she's on the incline), but Trad doesn't have time to stop. Not now. Things are really moving along now.


Day 3: Trad's gone a very long way — he's now in the desert. Pie charts are very hard to push through sand and... did it get bigger since yesterday? Trad's really starting to rethink his life choices — his goals and his priorities — while he pushes this pie chart across the desert. There's lots of time to think in the desert.


Day 3, continued: Oh, no. This is the worst possible thing that could happen right now. Trad's pie chart broke! He's not sure how to fix it, and there's no way to call for help. If he could just brainstorm with some colleagues like he does back in the office, maybe he could figure this out! At least here, the pie chart seems to have gotten smaller.


Day 3, continued: Whew, Trad used his problem-solving skills and got the pie chart back together. He's on his way! Unfortunately, the pie chart is big again.


Day 18: Well, it took a lot of time and effort, personal determination and follow-through, but Trad has arrived. He loves his new pie chart. He's sure his boss will agree: It was all worth it in the end.

(The chart is quite a bit smaller than he remembered, but that's OK. It's the journey that counts.)


Sep 8, 2017

Amber's Guide to the 7 Deadly Sins



Take a listen. I done broke it down for ya real quick to keep ya outta hell:

  • Lust = Oglin
  • Greed = Moneygrubbin
  • Gluttony = Piggin out
  • Pride = Gettin all hoity toity
  • Wrath = Hootin an hollerin too much
  • Envy = Lookin over at somebody else n bein like "gimme that"
  • Sloth = Ain't doin shit

'Welcome.


Jan 13, 2017

is this the illuminati?

i'm not sure what the illuminati IS but i DID just notice all these famous directors' names RHYME WITH FOOD:
  • Fresh Mandarin: Wes Anderson
  • Shrimp Gerkin: Tim Burton
  • Tortilla Coke (Cola): Sophia Coppola
  • Dead Apples Though: Judd Apatow
  • Lemon-Lime Lollipop: M. Night Shyamalan

if that's NOT the illuminati feel free to try to explain to me what it is.

Jan 6, 2017

Fun Mom

here's an example of the kind of fun thing i would do as a parent:

kid is 16 years old, it's christmas, there's no present under the tree. kid goes, "where's my present?" i go, "your present is too big to fit under the tree! why don't you go out to the garage and take it for a spin?" [knowing smile]

kid runs to the garage, opens the door, and this is what's in there...

...

..

.


and we laugh and laugh.

Jan 3, 2017

the strangest thing to happen to me in 2017

are you ready for a true-life mystery that will send a shiver up your spine, in one fluid motion not unlike the zipper on a coat? well have i got a story for you. it's about the zipper on my coat.

yesterday i was taking down my christmas tree, and i got my old coat out of the closet so i wouldn't get sap on my nice one. i haven't worn this coat in over a year. i went to go zip it up and discovered the zipper was UPSIDE DOWN. it UNZIPPED my coat, and only when i zipped it downward did the zipper stick together, kind of. i made this video to explain:



how could this happen? did the zipper get turned around in the wash? did someone replace my zipper in effort to pull off the world's stupidest prank? am i wearing the coat upside down? i don't remember the last time i was this confused. birth, maybe.

finally i sat down to text the video to my friend, to see if i could get any help solving this mystery and to confirm the world was still spinning and that i was still alive in it. that's when i looked over and noticed the top zipper, stuck at the collar, and remembered this coat has two zippers -- one that zips, one that unzips from the bottom -- and always has.


anyway, happy new year!


Nov 15, 2016

Buttwipes of Portland: #2 (Sustain Post Play Wipes)

Alright, time to switch it up on here. It's another installment of Buttwipes of Portland! ::cheers, applause, someone coughing::


I gotta say, I've been thrown for a loop with this one. I thought I was buying just another bag of buttwipes -- they came from the buttwipe section alongside all the other buttwipes -- but apparently I purchased a revolutionary new tool for solving a universal problem! I didn't know this when I bought them, and I haven't known it for the past month while using them, but I found out today when I googled them! (Caution: Only google them if you want to read a lot of people talking about sex but replacing the word "sex" with "play." ::shudder, another cough::)

Seriously I've just been using these to wet my whistle if you will, as part of my daily routine, and I thought like the last ones (Swipes Lovin' Wipes) the company just added a layer of marketing to let you know hey, you can also use these for post-sex cleanup. But no, these are specifically for post-sex cleanup! I mean they say it pretty clearly on the packaging but with all the cutesy plays on words, I just didn't believe them. Are people straight up storing these next to their beds and not on the backs of their toilets? Because I would argue that the only difference between these "post-play wipes" and buttwipes is where you store them.


Therefore I will continue my review of these BUTTWIPES. First, I don't remember how much they cost but it was under $5 for 48. You can buy them directly from the Sustain website for $10.99 per package if there's no New Seasons or Whole Foods in your area and if you think eleven dollars is a reasonable amount of money to spend on BUTTWIPES. Up to you.

So cost, whatever -- normal. The scent is mild and pleasant, like opening a window. One nice feature is 10% of the profits go to women somehow! That's what this little symbol tells me.


They are also made out of cotton instead of paper pulp, making them more durable. Personally I've not had an issue with the durability of my paper pulp wipes, but then again I'm quite a delicate lady. They're also free of bad stuff and full of good stuff instead, but that's kind of a given in this series.

But by far the best thing going for these wipes is the texture. Remember how everyone was satisfied with pancakes until waffles came along?? Total game-changer, and on that front I will agree these wipes are revolutionizing the industry. Without spelling it out, there are reasons why waffles are better than pancakes, and these wipes are waffles for your butt.


Major, MAJOR con though: They're not flushable. Honestly I would not normally buy a non-flushable wipe, but this is journalism and I wanted to see if I could handle it. I mostly can! And a couple times I forgot they're not flushable and flushed them anyway. Guess what? They went down! Listen I know this is Not Okay™ and I'm trying hard to do better. (I have also heard it's a bad idea to flush any wipes, whether they say flushable or not. I also heard Taco Bell is bad for you???) But IF you're wondering if flushing these ones will cause your toilet to volcanically erupt in your face, it won't. I tested it so you don't have to.

In conclusion, I feel spoiled by these wipes. It's been so lovely, but I don't think they're my wipes. I need a flushable wipe, and I may be willing to give up texture for disposability. (Turns out I might be a pancake girl after all!) I'm also still giving these the side-eye for claiming they serve a very specific purpose... I'm here to tell you they do it all. Just ask my butt.

Oct 26, 2016

emo post written while sad, i don't give a crap

things i've done while single:

  • traveled abroad solo twice
  • got a new job when the old one wasn't working for me anymore
  • moved to a nice apartment
  • bought a new car
  • learned to climb and went to the gym regularly
  • took care of my cats
  • maintained my friendships
  • threw the baddest birthday ball
  • put on three friends talent shows
  • dated a bunch
  • paid all my bills on time
  • ate mostly healthy
  • got help when i was depressed
  • took improv classes and did some open mics
  • started contributing to my retirement
  • tweeted a bunch of jokes
  • learned how to make videos
  • read a lot of books and spent time with my book club
  • flossed consistently

i can do it alone. i can do the heck out of it alone. but i don't want to anymore. i want to be taken care of, and i want to take care of someone. i want life to be a little easier, and i want to share some of the moments that i've been spending alone.

i still want my own time and space and my own life -- i've grown very fond of those things -- but i want to let someone in a little closer. not yoked, just holding hands.