Dec 26, 2009

reflections

jesus had a weird situation, because everybody celebrated christmas/his birthday, but i bet a lot of them pulled the old christmas-slash-birthday-present-in-one move.



Dec 17, 2009

first ever video post!

not very good!



i love you!
-amber

2009: my impressions

so there were SO MANY big new developments in the world in 2009 i feel like. i mean, just google "what happened in 2009" and see for yourself so i don't have to.

probably the biggest thing, for me, though, is the near eradication of tags in underwear. can i get an amen?!

i know about these things*

sometimes after admitting i know nearly nothing about a subject, i like to go ahead and talk about it at length just to see what i can come up with. for example, here's a fantasy football team ted & i developed based on what i know about fantasy football:

this morning i realized i know SHOCKINGLY little about the beatles. so let me tell you about the beatles. they were a band in the 60s (the 1960s) who may have been the first band to fly across the ocean because i know when they got off that plane it was kind of a big deal.

other than that, there were like 4 or 5 members, i'm not really sure, i think originally 5 but whenever someone died there'd be 4 for awhile until they found a replacement. so there was ringo starr, he played the drums, and john hamilton (sp?), and i don't remember the rest. john, he dated this girl named yoko ono and they just slept a lot, i think yoko had mono or something.

anyway i also heard that yoko was the reason the band broke up, because she REALLY liked pizza so everywhere the band toured she'd be like "ooh let's go get pizza!" and the rest of the guys kinda started to get tired of it, they'd be like "hey how about we try this chinese restaurant, i read a good review on yelp" (which was a newspaper at the time -- no internet, remember). but yoko would just say "nooooo i want piiiiiiizzaaaaaa!" and they would give in. she was pretty pushy i guess. well after like 3 years of eating pizza straight, these guys couldn't take it anymore and they quit the band. one of them -- i think it was bill -- even said "this pizza's going to be the death of me!" in a british accent and boy he couldn't have been more right! tragic, really.

so after the beatles broke up the ones who were still alive just went and did their own things: ringo is a painter, yoko works for PETA, etc. lots of people still listen to the beatles, even people who weren't alive in the 60s, which makes me think they must've been pretty special.

and that's what i know about the beatles.

Dec 15, 2009

twins

this is a story about twins who had regular names like karen and katie or something. they were from the middle of this country where as long as you had the same initial initial, you could get by just fine as twins.

well one day katie and karen moved to a city on the edge of the country, where all the twins had meaningful names like hope and destiny, america and asia, rose and daisy. they no longer felt ok. they felt like they needed meaningful twin names too.

so karen and katie changed their names to ambition and smoothie. ambition and smoothie started an indie band and they played gigs at little venues in their neighborhood. smoothie liked shoes so she designed her own shoe line and sold them at little boutiques in their neighborhood. ambition did poetry readings at little coffee shops in their neighborhood. ambition and smoothie were pretty successful with their new, meaningful twin names.

one day ambition and smoothie went back to the middle of the country to visit their family for the holidays. everyone kept calling them katie and karen, which they didn't like but when they tried to correct people, people would just chuckle at them.

they went back to LA or NYC or whatever and all of a sudden they couldn't get any more gigs at the local venues. smoothie's shoes stopped selling and ambition just stopped writing poetry -- she didn't feel like it anymore. they just kind of sat around like normal people not feeling special at all.

the moral of this story is it's hard to be twins and why do parents get to pick our names anyway? i've never really felt like an amber, but it's kinda too late and i certainly don't feel like a smoothie. actually i take that back a smoothie sounds pretty good right now.

and this is what you get when i feel like i haven't blogged enough for you people lately. CRUD.

well here's a picture of ambition and smoothie and i don't care what you think:



Dec 14, 2009

i like turtles

i just wanted to make sure everyone saw this, from my former coworker/now e-friend, nate:


(created with my photos from the baltimore aquarium, where this funky little fella lives)

watch out, photo-of-a-bird-and-a-fish-together!

Dec 11, 2009

but i want you to know

that even if i die some regular way, like car crash or murder or being too close to a building that is being demolished, that i have had a GREAT life, like seriously one of the best i can imagine. like family and childhood and FRIENDS and adventures and college and adulty years... so many great moments stuffed in there, i kind of don't even bother thinking about the lame ones most of the time.

i am probably getting all sentimental BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM NOW 28!! which makes everything totally different.

you can go ahead and wish me happy birthday but i want you to know the first person to officially wish me a happy birthday on my birthday was ted, at 12:30am as we walked back to his car off H St in DC, after eating some of the coolest sushi i've ever eaten, seeing a drag queen host a holiday-themed burlesque show, and beating ted so many times at jenga (he even lost reverse jenga, which he thinks is technically a win, but :-F).

i also wanted to talk about my (so far) favorite nonsense present, A PICTURE OF A BIRD AND A FISH TOGETHER from nic. it's for me and for dodger all in one. it's the best.



anyway, i'm just really excited about 28. i kinda hope i don't stand too close to any about-to-be-demolished buildings.

i just realized

how eerie that last post would've been if it were MY LAST POST.

because i died.

in a plane crash.

but i want you guys to know, if i DO die in a plane crash, that means i've gone the way i've always wanted to go, with my hands in the air yelling "WHEEEEEE!"

Dec 10, 2009

the future is SO RAD

and it's right here on this plane.

ok i know other people have done this already but until you experience it, you really don't know what you're missing. let me set the scene:

i am 30,000 feet in the air, watching Law & Order SVU, blogging, and gchatting. check it:


woop! there was some turbulence! bet you've never had turbulence at your desk! anyway if the plane starts falling i'll just type "AAAAAAAAHHH!!!" so you know what happened to me.

love you,
amber

p.s. hope you can get here (the future) soon.

Dec 7, 2009

choices

nic's post just reminded me of this photoshop adventure i took a few months back and forgot about. first i read this article on the Most Attractive Face as averaged out by like a billion humans.

SNOOOOZE! but whatever. but then i thought if you had to date this guy, but he had one facial feature completely missing, which version would you pick? i don't have to choose because i'm the blogger.






i bet you'd get used to it.

Nov 30, 2009

pretty generous with the hahas

so i searched "haha" in my gmail and there are SO MANY results that google couldn't even tell me. they were just like "thousands. there are thousands of hahas in your gmail."


on the other hand, i've only used the word "mayonnaise" in my gmail/gchats twice, and once was in an email to myself titled "don’t let anyone see this poem. DO NOT SEND IT TO ANYONE."

good call, self!

oh god

every once in awhile, in life, your friend records a loosely translated version of this song with a keyboard, singing like bill callahan, with the 2nd verse in reverse, and it's kind of just like the greatest thing to listen to on a monday morning.



that's all. sometimes that happens is all i'm saying.

Nov 25, 2009

i'm no scientist

but it seems to ME

if the freezing point of water is 32°F

and the freezing point of vodka is -16.5°F

next time you are about to be frozen in a body of water, try to get yourself into a giant vat of vodka instead

(which is not freezing yet)

and that should buy you some time until the paramedics arrive.

Nov 20, 2009

ooh congratulations

last night at the bar after my friends' improv show, some dude with hair like this: ^ was trying to impress us by saying, "i once tried to set seth macfarlane (you know, Family Guy) up on a date with jennifer love hewitt."

oh yeah?


that's nice.

Nov 10, 2009

the first pants must've been a pretty hard sell, unless...

[Man dressed in Grecian robe walks into store]

Clerk: Good morning, sir! How can I help you?
Customer: Well, I'm looking for a new item of clothing. But I think I want something a little different this time. This robe is just too simple and comfortable... too perfect in every way.
Clerk: My friend, I have got just the thing for you.

[Clerk turns to pull a pair of pants from a drawer, and holds them up]

Customer: Haha! What is this!?
Clerk: This, fine sir, is pants.
Customer: How does it work?
Clerk: Well, you see, you have to put your legs into them one at a time, like so... [demonstrating, loses balance]
Customer: Oop! Careful there! [they laugh]
Clerk: So once you get them up, they cover the bottom half of your body!
Customer: Just the bottom?
Clerk: Right. Now, I know you're probably very used to not having anything touching your crotch, but with pants, you will have a rather stiff material tucked up in there for all hours of the day.
Customer: I see, I see. So what you're telling me is that this...
Clerk: Pants.
Customer: Right, pants. This pants is not only more complicated to put on, but it's far less comfortable than a robe once you get it on.
Clerk: Correct.
Customer: Go on.
Clerk: Well, here's another thing I didn't show you. This little contraption here -- this is called a zipper. Careful or it can snag some pretty sensitive parts, if you know what I mean!
Customer: You mean my genitals.
Clerk: Precisely.
Customer: OK, well I'm definitely intrigued. But here's something else I was thinking about. With this loose-fitting, breezy robe, no matter how bloated I get from a huge feast or how much weight I put on in one season, you can't really tell.
Clerk: [Throws hands in air] It is like pants are made for you. With pants, not only will all your friends and loved ones be able to tell you've let yourself go with a pants-exclusive phenomenon called "muffin top" -- see? [pulls pants tight around waist, demonstrating the muffin top effect] -- but you will experience a discomfort that acts as a constant reminder of just what a slob you are!
Customer: That sounds perfect! But there's one more thing. Let's say, now I don't know, I'm just talking aloud here, but let's say I occasionally want to accidentally expose an embarrassing part of my body. Can pants do this?
Clerk: You know what? For you, I'm going to do this. I just got a shipment of low-rise jeans in the back I haven't even taken out of the wagon yet, I'm going to go get them right now.
Customer: Low-rise? That's an oxymoron!
Clerk: You know what else is an oxymoron? YOU if you don't walk out of here with at least one pair of these today! Be right back.

[Exits momentarily, returns with jeans]

Clerk: What we've got here, dear friend, is a pair of pants that, when worn with a slightly inappropriately short shirt, upon bendover, will expose your buttcrack.
Customer: ...my buttcrack?
Clerk: Your buttcrack.

[pause]

Customer: I'll take two.

fin.


Nov 5, 2009

i give it 5 sparks!

tonight i went to the local movie library, where i found a recording of a film starring a young Robot Redford and Steve Machine.



this movie is about two rascally robot fellas who encounter adventures sprinkled with a few mishaps and some suspense before the movie is over. it's really good and i would highly recommend you watch it before you die.

Nov 3, 2009

ode

you're really good at going to concerts.

i like the way you dress up, and do your hair.

i like the way you get that beer, and talk to your friend. i like the way you grew to 6'1", just for this show.

you are really good at showing your appreciation through applause and whistles.

all the buttons on your shirt match up with their respective holes -- good job.

i really like all the things you have going for you -- that hat... no, don't take it off. it is perfect the way it is.

congratulations on both your arms being the same length. that must be real helpful while clapping and performing other manual activities.

those shoelaces are impeccably tied. those aren't coming loose anytime soon! your posture is fantastic.

Oct 29, 2009

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN!





memories and discoveries

when i was in elementary school, one of my teachers was talking about Saddam Hussein (we were discussing current events), and she said "I call him So Dumb and Insane." and i will probably remember that for the rest of my life. i also just remembered that he's dead now.

on the other hand, i used to think that Slobodan Milošević was a made-up name used to describe a person who was moving slowly, like if there was someone going 45mph in front of you on the freeway you'd say "What a Slobodan Milošević!" and go around. i didn't really get it but i liked it and used it. then i heard the name on NPR and figured he was a real person. i just found out that he's dead too. he and So Dumb actually had quite a bit in common i'm learning, including crimes against humanity and having pretty large foreheads.

isn't life funny sometimes?

and he is smiling on me today!

i moved recently, and it was really expensive. there was a month where i paid two rents and utilities for both places, and then when i cancelled my internet at the old place i got charged an early cancellation fee, and then i had to pay an installation fee for internet at my new place, and then when i called my car insurance company to give them my new address they informed me that the rates are higher in my new neighborhood. it was really expensive.

but then today i get these and it's like you know what? maybe there is a god after all.




Oct 28, 2009

you do not even need that

have you guys seen Bumpits? they are the volumizing inserts that stay firmly in your hair for "Hollywood Hair in just minutes!"

well i like them and everything but they are $9.99 (+S&H)! so i did what any resourceful flat-haired girl would do and i made my own.



special thanks to my model, emilie, whose hair looks super Hollywood if i do say so myself:




can you believe you can get that look for free? i know it's pretty amazing guys.

inspired

nicole sent me a link to this flickr set called Make Something Cool Every Day (i particularly like these ones). i think that's a great idea, so i made this:


i thought, what's cool? gradients, mini train set trees (with treehouses), lightning, and palindromes. it's nice to be able to look at a piece of work and be like "yes, it's done."

Oct 13, 2009

Oct 9, 2009

i have a queso for you:

did you know my sister is pregunta?!

(i know you all know, it's just that the daddy's nicaraguan so i'm practicing my spanish so whether the baby comes out american or nicaraguan i can communicate with it. i am going to be SUCH A GOOD AUNT.)

Oct 8, 2009

BLOG CONTEST!! Enter to WIN! (any other reason for entering is just a waste)

i need a way to describe my blog to strangers. so far "it's just thoughts and bad photoshop" has not really resulted in any new readers.

preliminary suggestions have included:
"it's sort of like if demetri martin had a sit-down comedy routine, online... before he got really good and famous... and he wrote as if he were a girl and slightly cuter. to an audience of like 18 instead of millions."

or

"just describe someone else's blog you really like but give them the address to yours."

both very good suggestions that i actually might use. but see if you can outdo them! the winner will receive me getting more blog hits maybe which makes me happy and when i'm happy i make cookies sometimes. so, pretty good.

NOTE: flattery will get you nowhere. you should know that about me by now.

Oct 6, 2009

affirmation

dear self,

that frozen fish fillet you cooked for yourself and squeezed a grapefruit on because it was the only citrus fruit you had turned out pretty good.

keep it up.

Oct 2, 2009

off my chest

listen, i didn't want to say anything because i didn't want you guys to treat me any differently. but there's something i have to tell you -- i don't think i can keep it a secret any longer. you're going to find out one way or another so might as well come from me.

when i call certain restaurants to order food, and i tell them who i am, they ask me if i want my meal delivered. and if i say yes (which i do), they will send one of their staff to bring my food to me. right up to my door!

i hope this doesn't change anything.

i'm going to the bathroom and i'm not coming back until i've thought of a new blog post.

ok i didn't think of an idea but i DID realize i didn't want to stay in the bathroom any longer.

Sep 29, 2009

move over, bedazzler

It's Bechandelierer!

That's right! Now you can bechandelier from the comfort of your own home! Bechandelier a hat, a shirt, even a belt!




Don't spend $250 on designer jeans when you can bechandelier your own! They'll sparkle with your own bechandelier style.



Bechandelierer isn't just for humans -- bechandelier your best friend's collar.


Get the Bechandelierer kit plus one whole chandelier for only $1,995! Call now.

Sep 24, 2009

new series


(Episode 1)

LOCATION:
West Newbury Elementary School
73 St Charles St

[♪ KONG KONG ♪]

Billy: Someone stole my ball! [crying]
Tommy: I saw it. It was Sally took your ball. [pointing]
Sally: Nuh uh! [hiding ball behind back]
Billy: Yes huh! [grabbing ball from Sally]
Sally: PFFFPLPLPLPL! [sticking tongue out at Billy, Tommy]

[♪ KONG KONG ♪]

to be continued...

Sep 21, 2009

what happened?

i just called Pizza Hut and told them i finished reading a book today and they didn't even care!



Sep 18, 2009

Sep 16, 2009

new board game

OK, YOU put down how many cafts (cats00) you thinkg the other team has. the other team has to name their xats alphabegitcally, starting with the letter that matches th enumber they just rolled ont he dice so like 10 is J. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CATS. when the name of the first cat matchees the number that team A put down, you gaet a point. points are used for winning. the game. 17 pointws are necesary but i will accept multipbles of 17, or factors either one. not a problem. after the game, all the contestandts have to go outside and mail aletter o each ohther's moms, withouth spesifying who it is they are mailing in the letter. whoevers mom makes it to the home plate first wins.





GUYS: this is after one beer, i'm not kidding. well also i made a pact with myself to type and not ever hit the backspace button once. also i'm laying really weird on my left arm -- my typing usually isn't that bad. ok now my arm is falling asleep, goodnight!

Sep 15, 2009

when you're broke, going to the bank is like going to the gynecologist

you know they look at bank accounts all day, and you know they've seen some REALLY BAD ones, and yet, you're still a little embarrassed to show them yours.

Sep 10, 2009

my dad basically had this same blog (offline) in the early 1990s

letters my dad sent me while i was at church camp in montana.










i can't really be held responsible for anything that appears on this blog. do you understand?