Sep 29, 2009

move over, bedazzler

It's Bechandelierer!

That's right! Now you can bechandelier from the comfort of your own home! Bechandelier a hat, a shirt, even a belt!

Don't spend $250 on designer jeans when you can bechandelier your own! They'll sparkle with your own bechandelier style.

Bechandelierer isn't just for humans -- bechandelier your best friend's collar.

Get the Bechandelierer kit plus one whole chandelier for only $1,995! Call now.

Sep 24, 2009

new series

(Episode 1)

West Newbury Elementary School
73 St Charles St


Billy: Someone stole my ball! [crying]
Tommy: I saw it. It was Sally took your ball. [pointing]
Sally: Nuh uh! [hiding ball behind back]
Billy: Yes huh! [grabbing ball from Sally]
Sally: PFFFPLPLPLPL! [sticking tongue out at Billy, Tommy]


to be continued...

Sep 21, 2009

what happened?

i just called Pizza Hut and told them i finished reading a book today and they didn't even care!

Sep 18, 2009

Sep 16, 2009

new board game

OK, YOU put down how many cafts (cats00) you thinkg the other team has. the other team has to name their xats alphabegitcally, starting with the letter that matches th enumber they just rolled ont he dice so like 10 is J. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CATS. when the name of the first cat matchees the number that team A put down, you gaet a point. points are used for winning. the game. 17 pointws are necesary but i will accept multipbles of 17, or factors either one. not a problem. after the game, all the contestandts have to go outside and mail aletter o each ohther's moms, withouth spesifying who it is they are mailing in the letter. whoevers mom makes it to the home plate first wins.

GUYS: this is after one beer, i'm not kidding. well also i made a pact with myself to type and not ever hit the backspace button once. also i'm laying really weird on my left arm -- my typing usually isn't that bad. ok now my arm is falling asleep, goodnight!

Sep 15, 2009

when you're broke, going to the bank is like going to the gynecologist

you know they look at bank accounts all day, and you know they've seen some REALLY BAD ones, and yet, you're still a little embarrassed to show them yours.

Sep 10, 2009

my dad basically had this same blog (offline) in the early 1990s

letters my dad sent me while i was at church camp in montana.

i can't really be held responsible for anything that appears on this blog. do you understand?

Sep 9, 2009

besides head

are there other levels of honchos?

Subordinate Honcho
Administrative Honcho
Mid-level Honcho II*

*got promoted in March, waiting for new fiscal year for salary raise to take effect.

Sep 8, 2009

what do you drive?

oh, a Dodge Bullshit.

how about you?

i drive a paper cup with a hole in it.

Sep 4, 2009


now you're drivin' for reals!

*Shower Wheels moves approximately 6" both forward and backward. Battery charge time is 12 hours; must be charged between each use. DANGER: Using Shower Wheels near water may result in electrocution.

Sep 3, 2009

more like carnots

if we are ever transported to a new, earth-like planet, and there are only like 5 of us and we have to use our survival skills to populate the new planet, DO NOT make me the gardener.

Sep 2, 2009

bedtime stories

by amber hollingsworth

one time i was going to bed, so i brushed my teeth, put my pajamas on, thought about washing my face but decided not to, took my contacts out, and got into bed. it was a little hot so i got up and turned the fan on. then i got back in bed and it was better. i fell asleep pretty quickly.


(have you ever had this dream?)

check your pronouns

from a medical blog i came across while looking for photos of people using chapstick (whatever):

MedHelp Member's Question
Is chapstick really addictive?
by Melissa

I know this sounds rediculous, but I was wondering if chapstick is addictive. I have been using chapstick daily, multiple times a day for the past 5 years. When I dont use it, my lips become unbearably chapped.

Doctor's Answer
by Alan Rockoff, MD


Chapstick isn't addictive, but putting any moisturizer on lips tends to be habit-forming.

Lips are very psychologically-sensitive areas. Just thinking about them makes them feel dry. Whenever a patient complains of dry lips, I have to force myself not to lick them while they're talking.


Sep 1, 2009

America's Got Talons!

not what you think

i work in an OFFICE.

today we had a MEETING.

we discussed many ACTION ITEMS.

i was disappointed to find out ACTION ITEMS are not robots or even machines. they are just ideas or words and you are supposed to do things with them when you get back to work.