Nov 30, 2009

pretty generous with the hahas

so i searched "haha" in my gmail and there are SO MANY results that google couldn't even tell me. they were just like "thousands. there are thousands of hahas in your gmail."

on the other hand, i've only used the word "mayonnaise" in my gmail/gchats twice, and once was in an email to myself titled "don’t let anyone see this poem. DO NOT SEND IT TO ANYONE."

good call, self!

oh god

every once in awhile, in life, your friend records a loosely translated version of this song with a keyboard, singing like bill callahan, with the 2nd verse in reverse, and it's kind of just like the greatest thing to listen to on a monday morning.

that's all. sometimes that happens is all i'm saying.

Nov 25, 2009

i'm no scientist

but it seems to ME

if the freezing point of water is 32°F

and the freezing point of vodka is -16.5°F

next time you are about to be frozen in a body of water, try to get yourself into a giant vat of vodka instead

(which is not freezing yet)

and that should buy you some time until the paramedics arrive.

Nov 20, 2009

ooh congratulations

last night at the bar after my friends' improv show, some dude with hair like this: ^ was trying to impress us by saying, "i once tried to set seth macfarlane (you know, Family Guy) up on a date with jennifer love hewitt."

oh yeah?

that's nice.

Nov 10, 2009

the first pants must've been a pretty hard sell, unless...

[Man dressed in Grecian robe walks into store]

Clerk: Good morning, sir! How can I help you?
Customer: Well, I'm looking for a new item of clothing. But I think I want something a little different this time. This robe is just too simple and comfortable... too perfect in every way.
Clerk: My friend, I have got just the thing for you.

[Clerk turns to pull a pair of pants from a drawer, and holds them up]

Customer: Haha! What is this!?
Clerk: This, fine sir, is pants.
Customer: How does it work?
Clerk: Well, you see, you have to put your legs into them one at a time, like so... [demonstrating, loses balance]
Customer: Oop! Careful there! [they laugh]
Clerk: So once you get them up, they cover the bottom half of your body!
Customer: Just the bottom?
Clerk: Right. Now, I know you're probably very used to not having anything touching your crotch, but with pants, you will have a rather stiff material tucked up in there for all hours of the day.
Customer: I see, I see. So what you're telling me is that this...
Clerk: Pants.
Customer: Right, pants. This pants is not only more complicated to put on, but it's far less comfortable than a robe once you get it on.
Clerk: Correct.
Customer: Go on.
Clerk: Well, here's another thing I didn't show you. This little contraption here -- this is called a zipper. Careful or it can snag some pretty sensitive parts, if you know what I mean!
Customer: You mean my genitals.
Clerk: Precisely.
Customer: OK, well I'm definitely intrigued. But here's something else I was thinking about. With this loose-fitting, breezy robe, no matter how bloated I get from a huge feast or how much weight I put on in one season, you can't really tell.
Clerk: [Throws hands in air] It is like pants are made for you. With pants, not only will all your friends and loved ones be able to tell you've let yourself go with a pants-exclusive phenomenon called "muffin top" -- see? [pulls pants tight around waist, demonstrating the muffin top effect] -- but you will experience a discomfort that acts as a constant reminder of just what a slob you are!
Customer: That sounds perfect! But there's one more thing. Let's say, now I don't know, I'm just talking aloud here, but let's say I occasionally want to accidentally expose an embarrassing part of my body. Can pants do this?
Clerk: You know what? For you, I'm going to do this. I just got a shipment of low-rise jeans in the back I haven't even taken out of the wagon yet, I'm going to go get them right now.
Customer: Low-rise? That's an oxymoron!
Clerk: You know what else is an oxymoron? YOU if you don't walk out of here with at least one pair of these today! Be right back.

[Exits momentarily, returns with jeans]

Clerk: What we've got here, dear friend, is a pair of pants that, when worn with a slightly inappropriately short shirt, upon bendover, will expose your buttcrack.
Customer: buttcrack?
Clerk: Your buttcrack.


Customer: I'll take two.


Nov 5, 2009

i give it 5 sparks!

tonight i went to the local movie library, where i found a recording of a film starring a young Robot Redford and Steve Machine.

this movie is about two rascally robot fellas who encounter adventures sprinkled with a few mishaps and some suspense before the movie is over. it's really good and i would highly recommend you watch it before you die.

Nov 3, 2009


you're really good at going to concerts.

i like the way you dress up, and do your hair.

i like the way you get that beer, and talk to your friend. i like the way you grew to 6'1", just for this show.

you are really good at showing your appreciation through applause and whistles.

all the buttons on your shirt match up with their respective holes -- good job.

i really like all the things you have going for you -- that hat... no, don't take it off. it is perfect the way it is.

congratulations on both your arms being the same length. that must be real helpful while clapping and performing other manual activities.

those shoelaces are impeccably tied. those aren't coming loose anytime soon! your posture is fantastic.