Nov 10, 2009

the first pants must've been a pretty hard sell, unless...

[Man dressed in Grecian robe walks into store]

Clerk: Good morning, sir! How can I help you?
Customer: Well, I'm looking for a new item of clothing. But I think I want something a little different this time. This robe is just too simple and comfortable... too perfect in every way.
Clerk: My friend, I have got just the thing for you.

[Clerk turns to pull a pair of pants from a drawer, and holds them up]

Customer: Haha! What is this!?
Clerk: This, fine sir, is pants.
Customer: How does it work?
Clerk: Well, you see, you have to put your legs into them one at a time, like so... [demonstrating, loses balance]
Customer: Oop! Careful there! [they laugh]
Clerk: So once you get them up, they cover the bottom half of your body!
Customer: Just the bottom?
Clerk: Right. Now, I know you're probably very used to not having anything touching your crotch, but with pants, you will have a rather stiff material tucked up in there for all hours of the day.
Customer: I see, I see. So what you're telling me is that this...
Clerk: Pants.
Customer: Right, pants. This pants is not only more complicated to put on, but it's far less comfortable than a robe once you get it on.
Clerk: Correct.
Customer: Go on.
Clerk: Well, here's another thing I didn't show you. This little contraption here -- this is called a zipper. Careful or it can snag some pretty sensitive parts, if you know what I mean!
Customer: You mean my genitals.
Clerk: Precisely.
Customer: OK, well I'm definitely intrigued. But here's something else I was thinking about. With this loose-fitting, breezy robe, no matter how bloated I get from a huge feast or how much weight I put on in one season, you can't really tell.
Clerk: [Throws hands in air] It is like pants are made for you. With pants, not only will all your friends and loved ones be able to tell you've let yourself go with a pants-exclusive phenomenon called "muffin top" -- see? [pulls pants tight around waist, demonstrating the muffin top effect] -- but you will experience a discomfort that acts as a constant reminder of just what a slob you are!
Customer: That sounds perfect! But there's one more thing. Let's say, now I don't know, I'm just talking aloud here, but let's say I occasionally want to accidentally expose an embarrassing part of my body. Can pants do this?
Clerk: You know what? For you, I'm going to do this. I just got a shipment of low-rise jeans in the back I haven't even taken out of the wagon yet, I'm going to go get them right now.
Customer: Low-rise? That's an oxymoron!
Clerk: You know what else is an oxymoron? YOU if you don't walk out of here with at least one pair of these today! Be right back.

[Exits momentarily, returns with jeans]

Clerk: What we've got here, dear friend, is a pair of pants that, when worn with a slightly inappropriately short shirt, upon bendover, will expose your buttcrack.
Customer: ...my buttcrack?
Clerk: Your buttcrack.

[pause]

Customer: I'll take two.

fin.


2 comments:

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

Loved it! So true. You get to be uncomfortable all day and feel like the slob you are.

Margot said...

I feel that way and i don't even have a muffin top! Hilarious and RIGHT ON!! ToGA, toGA, toGA....let's party like its 5 B.C.!!