Apr 27, 2010

april showers bring may flowers

where showers = lack of blog posts and flowers = abundance of blog posts.

seriously though guys what is wrong with me? 10 posts in a month? that's just so... pathetic i don't even want to look at myself but let me tell you, it's awful hard to type without seeing your arms and hands out in front of you.

just as an excuse though, i have to say moving is really hard. you have to get situated in your new space, which means buying all new hangers and building your own office chair (the Moses from IKEA is an absolutely sufficient piece of seating), you have to do the dishes kinda regularly so your new roommates don't know what a slob you are, and you have to tell your cats to get out of those cupboards like EVERY DAY.

but i feel like today was maybe a turning point for me. first, i landed my 2nd interview (woo!), then i went out to this cool little neighborhood with some friends, then some kind strangers guided my car out from behind a double-parked semi -- it was so tricky i had to get out and give them high-fives when we finished. then i went to UPS and the lady talked to me as if she was genuinely interested in my life, then i went to a store and asked the cashier about another store and she gave me directions saying, "it sounds a bit complicated but it's not too far" (it was approx 2 miles away and the directions were a left followed by another left). on my way home i got lost but i figured it out and in the meantime saw 3 rainbows between the greenest trees across the bluest sky you ever did see and well heck if i didn't feel like this was that miracle i've been expecting. or, more like i don't even need the miracle anymore -- this is good enough.

well, that's not very funny but what i'm saying is sometimes things just turn around for you right when you need them to. ALSO come to portland -- by the time you get here i'll probably have a glitter pony unicorn we can fly around town on.


Apr 22, 2010


today we celebrate the earth's birthday, or earthday. no one knows for sure how old the earth is, but my grandparents told me it was old when THEY were born, so we're talking like, hundreds of years here, people. it almost seems like we should be looking to the earth for bits of wisdom or something! haha, nah.

anyway a really good way to celebrate earthday is to do something good for the environment. for example, i was inspired the other day by a group of gentlemen who must've belonged to some good-samaritan organization, because they were all dressed in bright orange jumpsuits picking up trash along the highway! i wanted to pull over and tell them they'd gotten the wrong day, but one of them looked at me real mean and slid his finger across his throat, so i just kept driving. oh well, it's the thought that counts!

another thing people do on earthday is dress in green and go around pinching other people who aren't wearing green. green is an indicator of how much you appreciate the earth, and if you're not wearing green that means you should go find some other planet to live on. the number of pinches a person gets lets them know just how much they're not welcome here. get outta here, buddy!

finally, pretty much the best thing you can do to celebrate earthday is just have a great time. i mean, earth invited us all here, we don't want to sit around awkwardly and make it feel bad. it has so much to offer, after all. such as pizza, sweet rockin' tunes, and dance floors! let's party!!

Apr 21, 2010

don't you hate leftovers?

here's a thing you can do with leftovers, i've been doing it for years: instead of putting them in your mouth, just put them in the trash. i know. go ahead and box them up or put them in a tupperware as if you're going to eat them later, let them sit in the fridge for about a week, then just throw them away.

people might give you a hard time about wasting food if they know you're going to do this so you have to act like you're going to eat them up until the moment you throw them away. then just slip them in the trash when no one's looking and as far as i can tell, no one's any worse off.

(-just one of my rejected "Hints from Heloise" submissions)

Apr 18, 2010

i'd like to start a band

-wagon. it's a band that fits in a wagon. it's a little red radio flyer so the band can't be that big, maybe a singer and a guy on the bongo drums, with a harmonica. and they sit in the band-wagon, and i pull them around town, on all the side streets and around town, and the band just makes up new songs as we go so i don't get real sick of hearing the same thing over and over.

and the singer, carlos, his throat gets real dry because he's going around in the sun singing all day, so we stop at a little table where two girls are selling lemonade for 25¢ a cup, and we all have some and go on our way, and i say to the girls "thanks for supporting the band-wagon!" they don't get it.

some of the songs are really bad, carlos and damien's. but what did i expect? they're just two guys who got into a radio flyer and started making music together. neither of them classically trained or, as far as i can tell, with any musical experience whatsoever. but i just keep pulling them around, listening to their dumb songs and carlos complaining that the wagon hurts his backside.

sometimes i wonder why i get myself into these situations in the first place.

Apr 16, 2010

not feeling well

guys lately i have NOT been feeling well and i don't know what's wrong! so i turned to my handy guide, the internet, and think i may have narrowed it down. the cool thing about the internet is you can just pick and choose your symptoms and corresponding conditions, which is what i've done below:
  1. Po(ta)ss(i)um Deficiency: i am definitely not getting enough possum in my diet.
  2. Bipolarbear Disorder: personally i don't think being bi is a "disorder," but i guess being a polar bear might be an issue...
  3. Incontinence: i dunno, i mean i've mostly been in the U.S. lately but i did go to Europe that one time...
  4. Angina: definitely, yep. was born with this one.
  5. Athlete's Foot: i must be missing mine! this is why i got Cs in gym class growing up!
  6. Tennis Elbow: also missing.
  7. Hot Flashes: every once in awhile i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, yes. HAHA just kidding guys. no but really i'm kind of good looking.
so yeah, now that i've got that all figured out i can start eating more possum, watch for any growths of white fur and attraction to other females, and try not to travel internationally for awhile. thanks, internet! i'm feeling better already : )

Apr 13, 2010


Don't you hate all the time and energy it takes to play with your cat?

Well why do you have a cat then? What's wrong with you?

Anyway, INTRODUCING new* Laser Pointer Taped To Your Cat! It's a laser pointer TAPED to your cat!


Endless fun without the hassle! Your cat will be annoyed that it can't catch that damn little dot for HOURS! Watch him jump up walls, run around in circles, and try his hardest to get the tape off his head. Hahahaha.

Now you can get back to YOUR life without having to worry about your cat sitting at home being depressed, wishing you never adopted him from the pet store Adoption Days because you didn't think about what it really means to own a pet.

Laser Pointer Taped To Your Cat! Get yours today.

Apr 8, 2010


i'll post a blog post! sorry i've been so busy MOVING i haven't had a chance to think of something funny for you guys. i was trying to type that sarcastically but i realized i really am sorry i haven't had a chance to think of something funny for you guys. forgivens?

anyway ok here's a story that is inspired by the tag on the inside of my pants. it's called: Paper Boy.

Paper Boy
a story
by amber

One day, a paper boy came to my door.

"Subscripchin to the paper, miss?" he asked, tipping his hat politely.

"Oh, no not really, thanks," I replied.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Well, I mean, I get my news from the internet or the radio, I don't really read the newspaper anymore." I explained.

"The inter net?" he scowled. "What's that?"

"Uhh, you know on the computer? You can look up stuff? I just get my news there," I said.

"I don't understand," he replied.

"Um, well you'll have to ask your parents about the internet or something I guess, but either way I don't need a subscription to the newspaper, thanks," I said, starting to push the door closed.

"I don't 'ave parents, miss..." he shrugged, looking at his feet.

"Aw, I'm sorry. Well you can ask a teacher or a librarian or something," I offered.

"I don't go to school..." he replied.

"Oh, well, maybe you can ask your boss, at the newspaper! I'm sure he knows! Or she," I said.

"Don't have a boss," he whispered.

"You don't have a boss? Well which paper do you work for?" I questioned.

"Don't work for a paper, miss," he admitted.

"Well if you don't work for a paper, why are you trying to sell me a subscription?" I asked.

"I wasn't tryin' to sell you a subscripchin, miss. I was just askin' if you had one," he said.

"Well why do you want to know that?! That's a funny thing to ask!" I exclaimed, baffled by this kid's behavior.

"I dunno, I thought maybe if you had a subscripchin to the paper, you might be able to tell me who died today. You know, in the abicheraries," he stuttered.

"Oh my goodness..." I paused. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't realize... are you looking for someone?" I asked.

"No, not really," he shook his head.

"Well then why...?" I began.

"B'cause if I hear about a boy who has died, about my age, well then I can try and steal his identity and live as him in a new city. Or I can go to the parents' house and see if they want to adopt me -- you know, as a replacement," he explained.

I stood there, shocked and silent. That identity theft plan didn't make much sense to me; then again I'm not very good at scamming people.

"But nevermind. You don't have a paper anyway," he concluded, and walked back down the steps to the street.

I watched him awhile, wondering where he came from, and where he was going. It was about a minute later I noticed my wallet was missing from my back pocket, as were my keys. Another minute later I noticed that he wasn't the one walking away from my house -- I was. I was half-way down the block, and looked back to see him laughing and waving at me through the front window. Locked, no doubt. That little bugger had stolen my house, my wallet, and my keys! Probably my identity, too, at this point. What could I do? I went and asked the neighbor if he had a subscription to the paper...

You know, for rental listings.


Apr 3, 2010

is there no integrity left in the world?

listen, i know easter is no longer about the resurrection of our lord 'n savior jesus christ, but for the love of pete please, PLEASE let it still be about sugar-covered sugar!

i mean what's next? waterless ice? oh look! i invented waterless ice!

and hey! a latex-free helium balloon!

aww it deflated.

happy "easter," everybody.

Apr 2, 2010


a lot of things have changed since yesterday, namely, it's no longer april fools' day.

heh heh heh heh heh.

off to portland!

Apr 1, 2010

blogstopdotcom says bye!

well, this is a bittersweet blog post for me -- it's my last one. i want you all to be happy for me though because my life has come together in an almost unbelievable way.

most of you know i moved from LA last week. before i could move into my new place in portland, i had to stay in monterey for a week (where my parents live). this was supposed to be just a temporary stop, but miracles never fit into your existing plans, do they? that's why they're called miracles. the funniest part is -- and some of you may remember me talking about this -- my parents and i went to a psychic here in monterey last year and she told me i'd experience a miracle this spring! i hadn't given it much thought but now i can say that was the best $20 i've ever spent.

let me explain: on the way to the whole foods to get some pasta sauce monday afternoon, i was stopped in my tracks mid-parking lot. no, i didn't get hit by a car (though my heart had nearly the same reaction) -- i got hit by cupid's arrow. his precisely shaped beard, his suspenders and checkerboard shirt tucked neatly into his black slacks, those world-worn hands... trust me it was as unexpected for me as it is for you to be reading this right now! ladies and gentlemen, i am in love with a hutterite.

he's so kind and gentle, jakob is. he barely speaks a word to me, yet i know his love is genuine. and another miracle: jakob is only temporarily in monterey! he's originally from montana, which many of you know is one of the places i truly consider home, and hopes to return there within the year. while we can't technically marry until back in the hutterite community, i must start living as a hutterite woman now. it will be difficult, staying at my parents' place without exposing myself to modern technologies such as computer, tv, and digital clocks, but for jakob i will try. jakob and i will continue to meet in a public location once a week to discuss our family plans and my new household responsibilities. when i look into his eyes, which hopefully someday is a gesture he'll be able to return, i can just tell our first hand-to-hand contact will be electrifying. well, not electrifying, that might violate some of their anti-technology practices i think, but really exciting. not visibly so, though, of course.

anyway, if any of you know me at all, you know about my longing to return to a simpler, quieter lifestyle. while i'm sure i'll miss communicating with you all on facebook and via text message, i know my true friends will find a way to stay in touch. i'll send you all my address once i'm settled in our montana community, though don't expect immediate response because hutterites don't use the USPS, they have their own service -- horse run -- and all incoming mail is reviewed by the council of brethren before delivery. i'll also miss sushi, music featuring instruments, and basic women's rights, but when true love finds you, your priorities just change. anyone who has experienced this will understand.

with that, i bid you all a heartfelt auf wiedersehen! and if you need a hand-sewn shirt (long-sleeve only), you know who to mail!

your former blogger,