Nov 6, 2014

Summer Memories

It was a sweltering August evening, the kind that makes your toenails slide off your toes. I'd just finished shucking the corn out on the front porch for Ma when I saw him ride up on his motorcycle. He must've stopped to check his back tire, because he got off and looked at his back tire. I sat up and looked at him.

He had a broken-in black leather face and ripped jeans that went all the way up to his legs. When he leaned over to check the tire, a loose tendril of dirty blond hair fell over his forehead. He ran his chicken fingers through those honeyed locks it in a way that could only be described as "sultry golf dad." I was hooked like a golf dad on chicken fingers (w/honey mustard sauce).

I could tell he wanted to stop in for a glass of lemonade mixed with whole milk, but something wouldn't let him. Was it the look in my eyes? The scent of perspiration in the air around my armpits and crotch? Or was it the stuffed dog he had strapped into his sidecar that clearly wanted to go home now for sleepy bed-bye time?

I'll never know what was going through that crazy, ding-dong brain of his when he peeled out, giving me a single nod of the head, wink of the eye, and wink of the other eye, twice, as if he was trying to tell me the letter W in morse code. I stood as he rode on, into the wavy blur of the horizon, leaving only the sounds of crickets and my own heart beating those crickets to death with a teeny tiny meat cleaver behind.

I never saw him again — that white buffalo of a shadow of a mystery of a ghost of a man — but I never forgot him either. And here I am, 17 minutes later, still wondering if he ever thinks about me, just a girl in the top half of a spacesuit, shucking corn on the front porch on that hot, beefy August night.

Nov 5, 2014

Buzzfeed: 19 things that'll make you go "I remember that!"

19. Tetris
18. Roller skates
17. Troll dolls
16. Flare jeans
15. Beads
14. Certain kinds of ice cream or candy
13. Those Kaboodle things
12. Last Christmas
11. Movies for children
10. Privacy
9. Imagination
8. Ring Pops
7. Jumping on the trampoline
6. "Real" America
5. Being smaller
4. The things your parents wished for you
3. Smurfs
2. A general sense of hope and optimism about the world around you
1. Cap guns

new name, same great two-headed calf!

after years of declining ticket sales, Ripley's Believe It or Not decided to freshen up its brand:

Nov 4, 2014

dare to prepare

in honor of national preparedness month, which was in september, i'd like to talk about ways you can be prepared for the worst.

here in portland, we're due for a huge earthquake that will destroy everything and no one will be able to leave or contact their families for approximately 3-4 months (source).

what are you going to do?

might i suggest the ipad game "jelly splash." you connect the different color jellies to complete the level, but with an endless variety of challenges and bonuses, you can literally play this game for HOURS. trust me, you will not get bored while stuck under the rubble of your apartment building waiting for emergency rescue personnel to find you.

the best thing you can do in a fire situation is run away from it. do you have sneakers? are they the sneakers you want to wear in a fire, getting soot all over them? and good luck getting that smoke smell out! no, you do not have sneakers. go to nordstrom rack and sign up for their credit card -- you get a $20 coupon for every $1,000 you spend there!

honestly, serial killers are pretty clever, otherwise they'd just be your average run-of-the-mill murderer. so there's not much you can do to prepare for a serial killer besides make sure your facebook profile pic is the one you want on the news.

just go to chipotle!

well, i hope you feel more prepared. i definitely feel like i've done a good deed by sharing these tips with you. you kind of owe me one. so if there's an emergency, and i come to your house, you should split any food and water you have in your emergency preparedness kit with me. the only way we're going to survive this... is together.