Jul 27, 2015

can i tell you guys something?

i've gone to two more taco bells and i don't feel like writing about it. i don't want to review taco bells anymore.

it's like when you turn your passion into your job and then you no longer enjoy it? it's quite common amongst us artists. and if i can't enjoy my grilled stuft burrito, well, i'm not really sure what the point of any of this is.

i don't want to leave you empty-handed though, so let me share this one final story from the taco bell on NE interstate & going:

i drove up to the window -- it was a hot summer day. a fuzzy from a nearby cottonwood tree floated between me and the guy holding my bag of food. it floated towards me, as if it wanted to catch a ride home. i reached out to grab it, but missed, and it floated instead toward jeff,* who also tried to grab it but missed.

"i know they're not alive, but..." jeff laughed.

"but they clearly have souls," i replied.

jeff handed me my burrito and told me to have a lovely evening. and you know what? i did.

*i have no idea what his name was.

amber's guide to online dating

single ladies, it's tough out there. if you're thinking about trying online dating, or have tried it without much success, listen to me! i have accumulated WEEKS of online dating experiences so that i could share my wisdom with you.
  1. don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
  2. definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
  3. only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
  4. when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
  5. finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.
 if you're lucky, you'll get to do it again in a week or so!

note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.

you're not *totally* alone

Hi, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, Ghost Therapist.
  • Are you feeling invisible (instead of translucent)?
  • Having trouble finding your place in the afterlife?
  • When's the last time you felt "spooky"?
Just because you're doomed to wander the earth for time eternal doesn't mean you have to be so glum about it. Check out these testi-moan-ials from some of my former clients:
"I used to float down hallways with no purpose at all. I'd go through walls secretly wishing I'd get stuck there. It wasn't until I talked to Amber that I truly embraced my ghosthood. Amber helped me get my BOO back!" —Estelle, a ghost

"Even though [Amber] is not a ghost, she truly understands the struggles of being a ghost -- living in the same old dusty house forever, children always running away from you in fear, getting super bored. But she was able to help me find my inner purpose and now I'm haunting like I've never haunted before! I'm no longer 'just a ghost'... I'm the ghost with the most." —Harold, a ghost

"Back when we were alive, we hardly ever fought. But after the fire, it took us a long time to sort through our feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, and being cold all the time. Through Amber's coaching, we've been able to learn how to communicate with each other using Ouija boards and writing notes in blood on mirrors (you have to write each letter backwards, not just the words). And now we have a chore wheel -- we take turns making spooky noises and knocking objects off shelves. We still have a lot of work to do, but at least we're working together." —Katie and Carl, ghost couple
If you're a ghost who's not reaching your full potential, contact me. We'll turn that "boo hoo" into "ooooooh... oooOOOOooooh!"

Call 1-800-OK-GHOST.