- don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
- definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
- only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
- when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
- finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.
note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.