Oct 30, 2020

i am but a vessel

last night, i was within 12 blocks of a taco bell and my stomach was already a mess, which can't be considered anything other than "a sign."

so i pulled into the drive-thru, got my meal, and parked in the relatively empty parking lot. i was a few bites in when a car weirdly pulled up behind mine, angled slightly to the left but with its headlights pointed toward my side mirror. the car stopped and... just sat there.

at first i thought they must be counting their fire sauce packets or checking to make sure the chips weren't fried in the same fryer as the cinnamon twists, giving them that unsettling yet intriguing sweet crunch. but they sat there long enough to do both and then some. again, this was a mostly empty lot -- i was parked in a spot, but the car was just behind me, waiting, running, with the headlights on.

it was then i realized i may die here, and while i wasn't ready to go, i had to admit, that would've been pretty classic amber. me, halfway through a beefy 5-layer supreme, mariah carey's greatest hits on high vol, googling "carrot parrot" to see if anyone had made a carrot look like a parrot yet (they have). i wouldn't have died doing what i love, but you could say i died doing exactly what i wanted. and that's a form of love.

eventually the car drove off and i lived to tell you about it (even after finishing the beefy 5-layer supreme). but in that moment, i learned something that i'll carry with me for the rest of my life:

ABR.

Always Be Ready.

/Add Beans + Rice.

we don't get to decide when we go, but we do get to live in a way that won't leave us filled with regret/will leave us filled with beans and rice. and i'm starting to think i was put within 12 blocks of a taco bell with pre-diarrhea last night for a reason -- to share this story, and this revelation, with you.

ABR.

-amber

Oct 24, 2020

to bee or not to bee: a question

do you ever forget to post to your blog for like years? that's ok. it doesn't mean anything bad about you, we've all just been busy. busy busy little bees. buzzing around to our flowers (cubicles) and collecting pollen (emails) to turn into honey (money). and as soon as we've got just enough honey to see us through the winter, some asshole in a big white suit and gloves comes and takes it from us. back to the flowers it is.

but this post isn't about bees, though i did do some fascinating research on buzzaboutbees.net/beeswax.html. did you know insert bees fact here? crazy, huh?

no, this post is about art, and why a person might do it sometimes but not others, and if that's ok or not. i mean, the world is dang hard, so just do what you can i say. but also what if you're SUPPOSED to make things for the world -- what if there's a REASON you're who you are right now right here? ::accidentally makes jerk-off gesture instead of gesturing toward entire world, realizes it about mid-way through first pump but it's too late, can't transition from that gesture to the world gesture -- that would look way worse, so completes jerk-off gesture and keeps talking like meant to all along::

and what if the reasons you give for not creating stuff are exactly the reasons the man in the big white suit wants you to give, because it works better for him if you just keep sending emails sending emails sending emails while he takes your money?

what if the ONLY way to live in the kind of world ::makes correct gesture this time, good job:: you want to live in is to MAKE stuff, not as a bee but as a human bee-ing. [god this presentation is going so well.]

look i don't really know for sure, but i think maybe that's true and that is why i am writing this blog post. and i'm gonna keep writing blog posts until i figure it out, and then i'll let ya know. so thank you and i love you, and i'll see you back here again soon.

how am i supposed to remember this?