ambericaonline

you people disgust me.

2011-11-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

so as you might've guessed from the last post, i have reason to believe that i might be a victim of googling. that's right, GOOGLING. so i checked my site analytics and discovered a bizarre set of clues as to what kind of person might be looking for me, and let me tell you what -- i am slightly uncomfortable right now. get your sleuth hats on, sherlocks: i present to you, Exhibit A: Google Search Terms That Led To My Blog:

sad pizza
hutterite in a blue chair
pizza sad
seth macfarlane in tight pants
girl eating a bunny
funny textes photos (typo?)
mr. potato head face
examples of people in a friendship (ok that one's nice, i'm glad you ended up here)
amber hollingsworth cleaning (EXCUSE ME)
person licking cheeto fingers (yeah alright)
gwen latifah
let's date

yeah we'll see about that last one, googler-of-questionable-interests...

Amber Lee Hollingsworth: A Google Result

2011-11-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

Here's just some quick information about me in case you were to look up "Amber Lee Hollingsworth" or "Amber Hollingsworth" or "Amber Hollingsworth Portland" online for any reason:

I am a professional person and I have some great work ethics/outfits.
As you can tell, I am very familiar with putting things on the internet.
Only about 2... 3 max of my blog posts have pictures of buttcheeks in them. In comparison, nearly 7 billion people worldwide have actual buttcheeks. You do the math (it's up to you what symbol to put between those two numbers to obtain the result of your preference).
I know how to reverse-Google.
Here's a picture of my cats:

Thanks for reading!
-Amber "Amber Lee Hollingworth" Hollingsworth

technically speaking

2011-11-01T21:30:00.001-07:00

i am always up on the latest trends.

2011-10-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

they say natural eyebrows are in!

it's pretty easy to publish a book these days

2011-10-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

GUEST BLOGGER: LINZI (via me)

2011-09-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

linzi is someone that i respect a lot because when she has an idea, where most people would say "hahaha what if i did this?" and then they just go back to their snood game or whatever, linzi ACTUALLY DOES IT. which is why i'm proud to present her latest masterpiece, "An Arugula Pizza Under A Pesto Pizza Under Four Single Cheese Pizzas Under 12 Mini Pizzas." follow the magic below:

and that's the difference between an artist and the rest of you slobs.

hey sweetcheeks

2011-08-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

girl on the bus: "guys always say i have a cute butt but i don't really know what they mean by that."

i mean is it the shape? the size? i don't get it.

sex appeal:

2011-07-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

i thought of 3 things today:

2011-06-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

they say genius* comes in threes!

ok 1: next time your can opener breaks, you can remark to your friends, "more like a CAN'T opener!"

2: probably the funniest trick would be if they sold empty boxes of invisible tape.

and 3: this onesie:

(*death)

well, it's summertime

2011-05-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

(ish). and i don't feel like blogging or tweeting or anything when it's nice out! see you guys again in the fall when i get seasonal affective disorder!

says a lot

2011-05-08T12:57:00.001-07:00

my mom is my most prominent speed dial number (#5). everyone else is peripheral.

checking in

2011-05-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

whenever i go somewhere cool i like to write it down in my notebook, and then show it to all my friends and see if they like it or want to comment on it.

guys

2011-05-06T16:01:00.001-07:00

blogging is boring : /

short stories with amber - episode 1: "almost"

2011-04-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

what's going on in there?

2011-04-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

some mornings i wake up with a miniature haunted forest in my nose:

i bet you guys have been wondering where i am

2011-04-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

i'm right here.

but the reason i haven't been blogging as much is because a) twitter is funner and b) i'm working really hard on my standup routine! that's right, i'm going to do it! i have my first gig all lined up... april 20... at the... EMPLOYEE TALENT SHOW!!

after all, i was voted Most Likely To Be The Funniest Girl At Her Future Place Of Employment (Category: Office Environment). just look at me now!

this is settin' up to be the best summer yet

2011-03-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

here's where i'll be the first week of july:

yep, ridin a pack mule through the yellowstone mountains for 5 days. my dad's cousin jake runs these trips and has hundreds of stories -- the family wants someone to write those stories down before they're lost & gone. well i'm real good at writin stuff down so i said "sign me up!" & so they did.

recommended personal items: cowboy hat, boots, and chaps. oh, and bear spray. obviously.

♥

new tool

2011-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

hey do you guys use Google Farts? it lets you track the number of farts you do daily, their length, intensity, etc., and tells you if you'll ever have a husband or not.

wait WHY would i buy this?

2011-03-15T20:11:00.001-07:00

somebody flunked out of marketing school.

recap

2011-03-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

so on the last episode of ANTM (america's next top model for those of you who are super out-of-touch) they did the makeovers which is awesome because they did the long red hair on one girl and short boy cut on another girl and blonde on other girl, and the old hairs had to go back home to places like the trailer park or other places models aren't, and their families welcomed them back but they could tell the hairs weren't quite the same, something had changed -- it was probably that they had been on tv a little bit (before the makeover episode) and it wasn't so much that they thought they were better than their old friends and family from home because they were on tv, it was that they could no longer be content with their old lives having been through this experience on the show what with tyra banks and all. so that was cool.

cha ching

2011-03-09T17:38:00.001-08:00

people always ask me, "amber, how do you eat so much and stay so thin? what's your secret?" and i say "give me $5 and i'll tell you." then when i have their money, i whisper, "i have a crush on my boyfriend's brother." they're usually disappointed that i wasn't still talking about staying thin, but hey $5.

effective news headlines

2011-03-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

Mad Cow Hermaphrodite Fraud
Exploding Child Abduction Shiv
Celebrity Nuclear Pirate Collapse
VIDEO: Poison Racist 100 Cats
Earthquake Sex Scandal Riots
Outbreak 'Shocked' at Mugshots

go on, give it a try!

tweet tweet 1-2-3

2011-02-25T15:18:00.000-08:00

look guys i'm a twatter now!

twitter.com/ambericaonline

it's not just beans the magical fruit anymore

2011-02-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

i heard the craziest thing passing by an elementary school playground on my way home today. there were a bunch of kids playing jump rope, chanting:

gluten, gluten
powerful gluten
the more you be eatin'
the more you be tootin'

then:

lactose, lactose
it's found in a glass
the more you ingest
the more you pass gas

and finally:

food allergies, food allergies
they're unique to each individual
you should probably see a specialist though
if your flatulence seems at all unusual

kids these days!

just putting this out there

2011-02-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

i don't mean to play down the bravery and commitment of the protesters in egypt who unseated the president the other week, and a lot of people have been talking about the role of facebook and twitter in these events. again, i don't want to step on any toes here, buuuuuuuut...

couldn't they have just checked in a bunch of times on foursquare?

a great day for music!

2011-02-18T16:31:00.000-08:00

today one of my FAVORITE bands unexpectedly released a new album! they have a really active fan base, so it came as kind of a surprise that no one knew of it ahead of time. also because we all thought they were dead!

tips

2011-02-10T19:01:00.000-08:00

don't you hate when you're looking at a page of a catalog and you want to see more but you don't know how? well, THANK YOU NORDSTROM!

unfortunately by page 11 i'd forgotten what the trick was AND i had no way of getting back! : /

all the different ways

2011-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

i get this shopping email every other day because i'm a fashionable kind of lady, and i like to use some of the money that i earn on articles of clothing or accessories to appear a certain way to other people and also to have confidence in my appearance around others.

ANYWAY for the last few weeks they've been promoting this hat, which makes me laugh every time. just look at all the ways you can look stupid (for $90 rather than the original price of $180)!

anyway, i got a free shipping upgrade so mine should be here any day now.

pass it on

2011-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

omgoodness

2011-02-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

here's how much of a lightweight i am buys (guys): i had one small glass of wine WITH DINNER and i am telling you right now i would not be ok to operate a motored vehicle. put me on a sailboat though and i would be captain jack dawson! not, i would probably drown AND wreck a sailboat. who put me on a sailboat? GUUUUYS!

anyway i just wanted to say 1) how awesome everything is and 2) people as well. for real, today i got adobe CS5 suite on my personal laptop because i work at a university where if you do work from your personal computer sometimes you get all the same software from your work computer installed on your home computer WHOA. i know right? so that was free, and then i made salmon which was ok and while i was doing the dishes i was just thinking about all my favorite people, which you are one of! them. for. quotes?

well, that's all for tonight. i'm gonna watch 2-3 more episodes of Peep Show and comb my cats who have maybe one flea, two max. that's it. don't worry about it.

love you!
-amber

*EDIT i am not watching Peep Show i am watching Douchebag which is a movie my friend andrew stars in and it is HILARIOUS. you can rent or buy it on itunes right now, please consider that.

note:

2011-02-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

i am also going to update the little starburst thing in my header a couple times a week. which days? i don't know, you will just have to visit daily i guess.

SHRUG!

life is soooo hard

2011-01-31T20:07:00.000-08:00

all the boys at the co-op see my hair and they try and talk to me and i'm just like uhhh excuse me i am trying to buy my $9.69 ravioli di funghi with organic local funghis i do not care that you think today's digitally animated movies are "soulless" and i'm obviously gonna need another bag because i have to walk 2 blocks home helloooo.

and then i get home and it's like this smoothie is not gonna make itself.

ambericaonline.com: where you get your internet

2011-01-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

i just spent TWO FULL HOURS on this new blog design so you better like it.

(ps the answer was trapeze rig)

it's time to playyyy...

2011-01-24T14:25:00.000-08:00

guess the thing being advertised in my gmail!

step right up folks step right up.

examples of people you shouldn't pursue friendships with

2011-01-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

careful what you wish for

2011-01-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

as much as i would like to see steve mcqueen brought back to life so he could star in more action movies, i know it wouldn't be the same.

happy birthday dad!!

2011-01-05T18:00:00.001-08:00

i don't know why it's not embedding properly so go to youtube to watch it full-size!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRp4eMn9a3E

or just be lazy and watch it here! who cares, it's your birthday!

haha ehh.

2011-01-02T21:11:00.001-08:00

fly swatter:

dragonfly swatter:

blogstoppaymentonthathugecheckiwrote

2010-12-29T14:30:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking about leaving blogspot.com and having a real live website, but i'm having trouble coming up with a name. i only like blogstopdotcom with the .blogspot.com extension, and "blogstop.com," aside from being about 100x less fun to say, is already taken. when i searched its availability, though, i was given these alternatives! what do you think?

bestblogstop.com : true...
blogstoptoday.com : it's fresh!
blogsmokingstop.com : what?
blogframestop.com : no. what?
blog-smoking-stop.com : for reals where did this come from?
blog-frame-stop.com : are frames really that popular?
blogwaitingperiod.com : yessss, ok
blogpause.com : getting closer...
bloginterval.com : YES
bloginterlude.com : YES!!
dairy-stop.com : wait, what?

additionally, i can purchase StopTheRot.com for $2,188.00, which is something i feel very strongly about anyway. may lose some readers, though.

i put so much t[i]me and effort into this meal!

2010-12-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

whoops

2010-12-27T09:34:00.001-08:00

alright that's two posts in a row about animals doing human things and referring to humans as animals, but i still think that's better than the texts i sent myself of blog post ideas last weekend:

lobsters using helium balloons to get cross country but pinching the strings too hard & they break
not knowing if your pile of wood is missing because you had a margin of error of one pile of wood

hm actually i take that back.

i leave for FIVE DAYS

2010-12-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

and come home to see THIS all over the neighborhood!

home for the holidays

2010-12-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

so my dad's a real nerd, and his screensaver is words and definitions. i was reading the first few (cruciate means cross-shaped; a noh is a classic japanese drama), but then one came up i didn't even need to read: bear market.

a bear market is where all the bears get together, usually on a sunday from 10-2, to trade and sell their nuts, berries, and honey. they also sell little stuffed humans, for the kids! some of the bears who aren't skilled enough to find their own nuts and berries and honey will just sit and play the guitar and sing or something, and other bears will give them donations out of pity. then everyone goes home feeling good about themselves!

I LOVE THE INTERNETTTT!!!

2010-12-14T23:23:00.001-08:00

ok i knew this wouldn't be productive, but (so?) i tried it anyway.

i googled "good christmas gifts for boyfriends." i now present you with unedited findings from my very first page of google results!

If your boyfriend loves to wear cool dresses then funky T-shirts with cool messages would be a great Christmas gift for him.
If your boyfriend have well-toned body and loves to exercise then simply get a treadmill or stationery bike for him. This would be the best Christmas gift for boyfriend.

---

Gift Ideas

Wife, wine, POEM

Personalized greeting cards

Boys toys

Climbing, running shoes, opener, magnet

Making christmas gifts

Books on tape

Cameras, audio books, calling cards, DVD

Handmade christmas gifts

Religious christmas gifts

Men's jewelry

Love story, love quotes

Dating, love poems, videos, love links

Heart soap, star soap, cute

Fruit and wine

Box of chocolate

Ultimate Relaxation basket

Name A Star After Someone

Theme gift basket

Yacht racing

Horse, dog

---

Here are some things I made that might inspire you:

-Made a pillow using a pillow case (sewed one side and stuffed it) that I had ironed picture of us on...the front had little picture of pieces of me, like a picture of my eyes, then a picture of my mouth, and my hands, my belly, and stuff, then the the words "you make me" then on the back it had a pic of both of us together and it said "whole" above it

-Ordered a tank top that said "Nick and Cari fell in love in Virginia" with a pic of the state on it, then it had an inside joke on the back...obviously, the tank was for me, but it was just cute to suprise him by wearing it

-Made a list: "18 things i love about you" and wrote it out in pretty handwriting on a big piece of paper (could be framed if you wanted)

ooh ben has so much to look forward to!! specifically, a horse.

storytime with amber!

2010-12-14T15:51:00.000-08:00

once, when i was

i decided to go for a walk in the

when i got there, i saw a

so i yelled

,

next thing i know, i'm waking up in my own

THE END.

guesses?

2010-12-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

i firmly believe that the universe has ways of telling us things we're supposed to pay attention to. but what does it mean when you see this bumper sticker on 4 different cars in less than a week?

so what, i like to have fun!

2010-12-07T15:12:00.001-08:00

when i go shopping, i like to switch out the vowels on product names and think about if i would buy those things too. for example,

other ones i decided not to photoshop:

hoar spray
warm, cozy sloppers
a sniggie

mmm

2010-12-06T17:21:00.001-08:00

HAPPY BENDAY!

2010-12-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

today is ben's birthday and i am supposed to make him dinner. i am not a very good cook, i mean i'm ok but there's never anything spectacular about the meals i make, but i try! but one of my favorite things about ben is that he eats every meal like it's his last meal on earth, and makes "mmm!" sounds with every bite. and i'm just like yo seriously i just melted some cheese in a tortilla and folded it in half, and he's like "it is SO GOOD." and that's what i love about ben -- he thinks even the simplest things in his life are SO GOOD. and it makes you feel like you just singlehandedly ended world hunger or something. with a quesadilla.

which makes birthday presents suuuuper easy! so without further ado: ben, happy birthday ♥

smooooooth

2010-11-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

you know what's embarrassing? when you lend your coworker your camera so he can take photos of a work event and you think all that's on there is photos of snow

but you've forgotten about the photos you took of yourself modeling the new coat your mom got you for your birthday in the mirror

and a week later you realize this and you assume he must've seen them when he downloaded the photos to his computer, and so you bring it up by re-enacting the photos of yourself modeling your coat as a way of sort of laughing off the embarrassment, and then he tells you he didn't see them, he just dragged over the couple photos he needed based on the file date, but thanks for the re-enactment.

i love playing minesweeper

2010-11-29T16:51:00.000-08:00

guilt

2010-11-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

there was a little bug hovering around my desk just now, and when i clapped it between my hands, it fell to the desk but a tiny little fuzzy drifted upwards from the same spot in that same moment. and i'll tell ya, i don't technically believe that bugs have tiny little fuzzy souls, but i felt about 100 times worse than i usually do killing bugs.

let's talk about shopping

2010-11-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

there are some advertising techniques that really cheese me off.

1. LYING.

why do advertisers photoshop cats' faces?! are cats not adorable enough as-is? in what world do humans have unrealistic expectations of what a cat should look like? "ok yeah, this cat should definitely be smiling, and have ridiculously blue anime eyes. YES! that's it. that's the perfect cat. NOW they'll buy our litter!" stop it.

2. NOT THINKING ABOUT THINGS.

give me one good reason they'd pick a glove model who is MISSING HER MIDDLE FINGER. also, why is she going to murder me in my sleep tonight? yeah, super, i'll get those gloves. NOT!

3. SELLING HOT TOPIC PRODUCTS.

:-|

i am really funny: a year in review

2010-11-22T19:39:00.001-08:00

in case you aren't my g-chat friend and you've missed out on these PURE GOLD NUGGETS of comedy i've shared via g-chat status over the last year, here they are, preserved in their entirety for all entirenity.

---
it's my sock and cookie drawer.
---
forever stamps my ass, i went through those just as fast as regular stamps! (www.waveevents.com/MyFilez/wavs/variety/pickin.wav)
---
if i have to type Rennesaer Technology Park Phase III Subdivision one more time, which will make for two times total, i'm going to stab someone.
---
go to my blog! Yes! you want to! you love to. you have slight amnesia when you don't go to my blog! Where are you? You don't know. Blogs!

Amber Lee Hollingsworth
hey amber, great blog! oh my gosh that's so funny, you have the same name and profile picture as me!
Amber Lee Hollingsworth
that IS funny.
Amber Lee Hollingsworth
...prizes inside.

---
nobody puts babies in the corner

---
OFFICE PONY!!!

(later): oh, office fish.

---

impromptu focus group! would you order a thing called "fartstickers" off the appetizer section of a menu?

(later): ok looks like i will not be going forward with my latest invention.
---
let's get physicals, physicals
---
fun office tops by amber: add some variety to your workday by switching your mouse to your less dominant hand!

(later): did i have "tops" there all day? ok don't switch your mouse around, guys.
---
pouring your snacks into a bowl makes you feel like the fanciest girl in the office!

---
ew there's proof in my pudding :-/

---

hey do you guys remember that game Find Waldo?

---
"That's my name, don't wear it out!" ~That Reynolds

---
i don't understand how hotdog.com is not about hotdogs.

---
can anyone think of any reason they might need 150-200 small glass bottles because i have a huge box of them. i thought of something but i don't know where to get 150-200 small ships.

---
why does my predictive text always assume i mean "pie" instead of "she"?

i mean i do, but still.

---
i take mass emails VERY personally.

---
how come you can't cash in brownie points for brownies? what's the point?

---
did you say "children fajitas"? no? oh.

---
watching the last 20 minutes of The Hurt Locker. this must be the part where they break it open and find all these photos of jonathan taylor thomas taped up inside.

(later): nnnnnnnope.

---

Amber Hollingsworth: America's Next Top America's Next Top Model Fan

---
now with Real Horse Outsides!

---
everybody's all 'Higgs boson particle this' and 'Higgs boson particle that,' but you know what? you guys didn't even have the cadbury egg salad sandwich till i came around so a little respect, please.

---
i wonder what people are up to on the internet... oh jesus! yikes.

---

the maury show for dogs, where you bring in your dog and her puppies, and the dogs you think might be the puppies' father, and it turns out you were wrong about all 3 of them and boy does your dog look like a whore!

---
you're selling yourself shorts

---
i was born small.

---

ikea champ 2010

(later): ok, ikea 2nd place winner.

(even later): ikea runner-up. whatever, just sit on it.

---
those were some of the days.

---

and that is why when i see a trampoline i taste blood!

---
turn that open parentheses into a close parentheses, is what i always say.

alternately, turn that open parentheses 180°.

or flip it horizontally.

i always say these things.
---

beyonce as a verb
---

putting sugar on your grapefruit is for sissies. so is not stabbing your own finger through the bottom of the grapefruit as you cut the pieces free. buncha sissies!

---

aw man i just rolled over a corn flake.

---

murderers, rapists, and people who don't laugh at my jokes

cats on the internet: for education!

2010-11-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

ok so you guys know how the internet started because cat owners needed a way to share photos and videos of their cats worldwide? well i'll tell you one good thing that has come from the internet: instant cat knowledge.

i've been worried about my cats lately because i saw this big, flesh-colored cat lurking in the trees outside my house -- what kind of cat is flesh-colored? he's not white and not orange, but somewhere in between, but not in a pretty way, just a fleshy way. and the look on his face... you can just tell he's up to something, and that something is not helping old lady cats cross the street. or maybe he is, but while he's doing it he's yoinking their old lady cat wallets out of their purses, which is even more evil than not helping them in the first place. i also saw him sitting right outside my cats' cat door when i came home the other day. i don't know if he's some hooligan friend of theirs or just waiting to beat them up, but either way, i don't like him.

so anyway, last night i was petting dodger, scratching his chin, when i noticed these brown spots all over his lips! i'd never seen them before, but i guess i hadn't looked in awhile, but i know i would've noticed them before if they were there. so i thought oh my gosh, what is going on?? has dodger been out there smoking so many cat cigarettes that he now has oral cat cancer?! where would he get cat cigarettes? lurky cat, of course! or -- gasp! is this some sort of cat STD?!? that dirty, fleshy, lurky cat! he WOULD have an STD. what am i going to doooo oh noooo my poor kitty : ((((((

so i googled it, and after the first couple pages of "OMG YOUR CAT HAZ DEATH DIZEAZ PLZ TAKE IT TO THE EMERGENCY DOCTOR VETZ RITE NOW OMGponies!!!!1!", i found a series of reputable sites that let me know orange cats get freckles on their lips with age, and it's nothing to worry about.

thank you, cat internet!!

caught on tape

2010-11-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

guys this is really weird: i took this photo outside my office, just because the trees looked pretty, but once i uploaded it to my computer and took a closer look... well, see for yourself:

a fresh-baked loaf of bread, the fur of a lounging cat's belly, and a dryer lint trap

2010-11-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

: things i would sleep in if i were just a liiiiiittle bit smaller.

post-halloween blues

2010-11-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

some lady named Ruth in my office brought in a whole bag of Baby Ruths for halloween. it's like that's cute but maybe you could go by Snickers?

i love getting mail

2010-10-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

get your veggies, kids.

2010-10-02T13:59:00.001-07:00

thiiiiiink abouuuuuut itttttttt...

2010-10-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

you know, every halloween we put pumpkins on porches, but i bet pumpkins think they put us inside houses. i mean, as far as they know, the only reason we HAVE porches is so they have a place to sit each year. we go to school, we get jobs, we save up, and we buy houses JUST so we can put them on our porches. and really, isn't that kiiiiind of true? don't we all kiiiiind of do everything we do for the sake of pumpkin comfort and satisfaction? isn't our whole lives just one big tribute to pumpkins? aren't we all walking around just waiting to sacrifice ourselves, our children, and our children's children to a pumpkin whenever it commands with just the slightest of indications? i mean that's preeeeeetty much how it is, right? you guys think that?

anyway i'm really looking forward to halloween this year!

because how would you know?

2010-09-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

guys we should all just be a little more vigilant when it comes to air travel.

thinking ahead

2010-09-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

probably one really important thing to put in our next time capsule is a container for a new time capsule, because it sounds like the future's gonna be out of quite a few things: water, oxygen, trees, social security, dolphins, fossil fuels, space. and there's nothing more embarrassing than having to use last era's time capsule.

christmas gift idea

2010-09-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

for you.

i love taking panoramas.

2010-09-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

To: Johnny

2010-09-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

¡Feliz cumpleaños! Como yo no sé español muy bien, estoy usando un traductor en línea para escribir este mensaje de cumpleaños. Espero que pueda dar sentido a mi poema:

Es tu cumpleaños
Todo el mundo sabe
Eres un año más
Desde la cabeza hasta los dedos del pie
Uh oh, que no rima : /

explains:

2010-08-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes blog posts come to me in my dreams, and 99% of the time i wake up disappointed in how juvenile my subconscious sense of humor is ("get it? it has the word "butt" in it!!"). but last night i knew i was onto something because immediately after i invented Inceptios, the cast of Saved By The Bell came together for a live reunion show! they had a whole dance routine (on their knees so they wouldn't look too tall for the lockers behind them), and screech forgot his lines. after the show, my family and i went grocery shopping and saw that screech worked at the meat counter. my mom texted me from another aisle to ask if i thought we should let a neighbor or someone know that screech works at the meat counter because he may be suicidal.

anyway i woke up feeling pretty good about blogging today!

A new cereal by Christopher Nolan

2010-08-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

the problem with homeopathic blood pressure testing

2010-08-28T15:36:00.000-07:00

is it may result in a more severe medical condition.

he's a real shit-for-brains.

2010-08-25T13:58:00.001-07:00

*which there ISN'T

2010-08-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

if there's one thing i like about bugs,* it's that they don't give a crap about what they wear.

horizontal stripes

black and brown together

trucker hat

.

2010-07-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

WHOA

2010-07-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I LIKE MY BREAD.

unpause, but let's take things slow

2010-07-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

just, whatever. ok?

a murphy's law bed:

2010-07-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

whenever you pull it down to go to sleep, it catches on fire!

ok just real quick:

2010-07-12T13:19:00.001-07:00

behold, the epic 3-nerd moon t-shirt!

blogstop on pause

2010-07-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

guys i just need to take the summer off and get every last second of sun while it's in portland. i may do a post here & there for funs and surprises, but let's all just lower our expectations now so that we're not disappointed. anyway here are some great blogs to get you through these cold summer months:

ted's: it doesn't make A LOT of sense, but how much do you really need?
nic's: probably my all-time favorite blog (besides mine) and he's really good at updating it!

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU!
-blogstopdotcom (amber)

blast from the past

2010-06-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget microsoft paint can make jokes as good as photoshop.

same diff

2010-06-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

2010-06-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

if you're wondering how i turned out so nice and smart, well, it's because every day as i headed out the door to school, my dad would say "have a good day, be nice to all creatures, and get a gob of hundreds!"

(he would seriously say that, i'm not making it up for blog's sake.)

my dad was also a big fan of doing winter activities with me and lora, like snowmobiling and building a giant igloo out of all the snow in the front yard or tying the sled to the back of his pickup with rope and pulling us down the alleyway until we crashed into a dumpster pretty hard that one time.

but i think my all-time favorite memory of me and my dad is in the first house we lived in in worland, waking up around 5am all sleepy-like and helping him put newspapers into the fireplace to light the logs so the house would be warm when we all woke up (for reals) later on. when lora and i got old enough to drive, he'd go out on cold mornings and turn our car heaters on for us about 10 minutes before we'd leave and scrape the ice from the windows.

thanks, dad! we were never cold growing up : )

math patterns

2010-06-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

here is something i've noticed that leads me to believe there's something going on with buses they're not telling us:

if i leave my house to catch the bus EXACTLY on time, i am RIGHT on time for work.
if i leave my house just 30 seconds late, i am 12 minutes late to work!

now i have not tested further coordinates, but if i take one of the more common graphs out of a math book, it appears that buses have some mystical time-warping powers so that if one day i left my house just 10 minutes late, i would get to work approximately, like, 3 months late.

on the other hand, if i left early i could get to work in the past!

"hey, who did all the filing?" -boss
"i did!" -me [not true: because it doesn't exist yet.]

watch this

2010-06-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

hey i really am gonna get back to blogging, but in the meantime check out my friend george cortez's stuff, i think he's really funny and you'll probably see him on some show that is funnier than SNL someday:

georgecortez.blogspot.com/
twitter.com/georgecortez
youtube.com/watch?v=npELW4rINes ("no like thanks" hahahahaha)

going to the beach

2010-06-13T21:31:00.001-07:00

gotta get my beach body ready:

irritable bowl syndrome

2010-06-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

(sorry, i got a new job and am generally havin' fun, but i miss you guys!)

skip the middleman

2010-06-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

my favorite part of eating cheetos is licking the cheesidue off my fingers when i'm done. so why not cut out the middleman and get straight to the point?

in today's economy,

2010-05-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

creative marketing is essential.

(thx ben)

i'm passionate about things

2010-05-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes i get SO into my cooking, i literally get into it. which sucks 'cause then nobody wants to try a bite.

pet peeve

2010-05-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

i think it's really rude when people on car dealership commercials and stuff say they "bla bla español." like, at least respect the language enough to learn the word for "speak."

big whoop.

2010-05-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

i don't know why celebrities make such a big deal out of starting a clothing line. ooh, congratulations, you aren't going to use your dryer today!

and why do they need models walking down a runway showing off all the clothes they're going to hang on the line? geez, we get it! you have fancy clothes! shut up already.

great, now what?

2010-05-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

i bet this guy was real annoyed when skeezy loan sharks came on the scene.

crab leggings

2010-05-10T22:00:00.001-07:00

a mother's day tale

2010-05-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

rapologies

2010-05-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

my name is amber
and i'm here to say
i'm a really bad rapper
and i like it that way

so if you like rap [here's the part of the song where i say it so fast that you can't tell if i said "rap" or "crap," ok?]
and you ain't no fool
then get in line
'cuz it's time for school

you put some words
on the internet
other people read 'em
and they're like "what's thet?"

you're all "that's my blog!"
and they're like "yeah right"
and you're like "no it's true!"
and they're all "get a life"

and you say "i have a life
it's where i get ideas
and then i write them down
and they show up right here" [temporary british accent]

and they're in disbelief
'cuz they don't understand
you're trying to explain
but this is not going as planned

so you take a step back
and you're all "yo this is dumb
i'm talkin about blogs
but this guy's clearly a chumb" [which is short for chumbawamba, which means REALLY lame thing]

so you go back to your house
and open up your blog
and you put this little rap
into the internet, dawg

and now you're reading it
thinking "ahoy there, cap'n!"
'cuz neither of us knows
what just really happened

GOOD NIGHT, LOS ANGELES!!

you'd think nature would've found a solution for this already

2010-05-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

don't you hate it when you're snuggling in bed with someone and you don't know where to put your third arm?

discontinued shapes

2010-05-01T16:50:00.001-07:00

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: Deceased Literary Figures!

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: Religions!

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: Better Foods!

april showers bring may flowers

2010-04-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

where showers = lack of blog posts and flowers = abundance of blog posts.

seriously though guys what is wrong with me? 10 posts in a month? that's just so... pathetic i don't even want to look at myself but let me tell you, it's awful hard to type without seeing your arms and hands out in front of you.

just as an excuse though, i have to say moving is really hard. you have to get situated in your new space, which means buying all new hangers and building your own office chair (the Moses from IKEA is an absolutely sufficient piece of seating), you have to do the dishes kinda regularly so your new roommates don't know what a slob you are, and you have to tell your cats to get out of those cupboards like EVERY DAY.

but i feel like today was maybe a turning point for me. first, i landed my 2nd interview (woo!), then i went out to this cool little neighborhood with some friends, then some kind strangers guided my car out from behind a double-parked semi -- it was so tricky i had to get out and give them high-fives when we finished. then i went to UPS and the lady talked to me as if she was genuinely interested in my life, then i went to a store and asked the cashier about another store and she gave me directions saying, "it sounds a bit complicated but it's not too far" (it was approx 2 miles away and the directions were a left followed by another left). on my way home i got lost but i figured it out and in the meantime saw 3 rainbows between the greenest trees across the bluest sky you ever did see and well heck if i didn't feel like this was that miracle i've been expecting. or, more like i don't even need the miracle anymore -- this is good enough.

well, that's not very funny but what i'm saying is sometimes things just turn around for you right when you need them to. ALSO come to portland -- by the time you get here i'll probably have a glitter pony unicorn we can fly around town on.

looooooove,
amber

happy EARTHDAYYYY!

2010-04-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

today we celebrate the earth's birthday, or earthday. no one knows for sure how old the earth is, but my grandparents told me it was old when THEY were born, so we're talking like, hundreds of years here, people. it almost seems like we should be looking to the earth for bits of wisdom or something! haha, nah.

anyway a really good way to celebrate earthday is to do something good for the environment. for example, i was inspired the other day by a group of gentlemen who must've belonged to some good-samaritan organization, because they were all dressed in bright orange jumpsuits picking up trash along the highway! i wanted to pull over and tell them they'd gotten the wrong day, but one of them looked at me real mean and slid his finger across his throat, so i just kept driving. oh well, it's the thought that counts!

another thing people do on earthday is dress in green and go around pinching other people who aren't wearing green. green is an indicator of how much you appreciate the earth, and if you're not wearing green that means you should go find some other planet to live on. the number of pinches a person gets lets them know just how much they're not welcome here. get outta here, buddy!

finally, pretty much the best thing you can do to celebrate earthday is just have a great time. i mean, earth invited us all here, we don't want to sit around awkwardly and make it feel bad. it has so much to offer, after all. such as pizza, sweet rockin' tunes, and dance floors! let's party!!

don't you hate leftovers?

2010-04-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

here's a thing you can do with leftovers, i've been doing it for years: instead of putting them in your mouth, just put them in the trash. i know. go ahead and box them up or put them in a tupperware as if you're going to eat them later, let them sit in the fridge for about a week, then just throw them away.

people might give you a hard time about wasting food if they know you're going to do this so you have to act like you're going to eat them up until the moment you throw them away. then just slip them in the trash when no one's looking and as far as i can tell, no one's any worse off.

(-just one of my rejected "Hints from Heloise" submissions)

i'd like to start a band

2010-04-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

-wagon. it's a band that fits in a wagon. it's a little red radio flyer so the band can't be that big, maybe a singer and a guy on the bongo drums, with a harmonica. and they sit in the band-wagon, and i pull them around town, on all the side streets and around town, and the band just makes up new songs as we go so i don't get real sick of hearing the same thing over and over.

and the singer, carlos, his throat gets real dry because he's going around in the sun singing all day, so we stop at a little table where two girls are selling lemonade for 25¢ a cup, and we all have some and go on our way, and i say to the girls "thanks for supporting the band-wagon!" they don't get it.

some of the songs are really bad, carlos and damien's. but what did i expect? they're just two guys who got into a radio flyer and started making music together. neither of them classically trained or, as far as i can tell, with any musical experience whatsoever. but i just keep pulling them around, listening to their dumb songs and carlos complaining that the wagon hurts his backside.

sometimes i wonder why i get myself into these situations in the first place.

not feeling well

2010-04-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

guys lately i have NOT been feeling well and i don't know what's wrong! so i turned to my handy guide, the internet, and think i may have narrowed it down. the cool thing about the internet is you can just pick and choose your symptoms and corresponding conditions, which is what i've done below:

Po(ta)ss(i)um Deficiency: i am definitely not getting enough possum in my diet.
Bipolarbear Disorder: personally i don't think being bi is a "disorder," but i guess being a polar bear might be an issue...
Incontinence: i dunno, i mean i've mostly been in the U.S. lately but i did go to Europe that one time...
Angina: definitely, yep. was born with this one.
Athlete's Foot: i must be missing mine! this is why i got Cs in gym class growing up!
Tennis Elbow: also missing.
Hot Flashes: every once in awhile i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, yes. HAHA just kidding guys. no but really i'm kind of good looking.

so yeah, now that i've got that all figured out i can start eating more possum, watch for any growths of white fur and attraction to other females, and try not to travel internationally for awhile. thanks, internet! i'm feeling better already : )

what is it?
	a personal home elevator
	a boyfriend for plus-size women
	a "bottomless" fruit basket
	a practice trapeze rig

pollcode.com free polls